headache.

My last post was nearly 2 months ago. Alot of things happened between these two months as you can say. As of right now,my head it pounding like super crazy since i have been quite sick lately with a cold which feels like death. Yuki is also at home resting, I couldn't contact him at all today and last night, assuming that he's at home resting and feeling the same or worse than me. It sucks that today I couldn't see him at school or even afterschool since it is a Monday. Literally I am totally ready to move in with him so there will no longer be any goodbyes. But sadly, there must be for the following years. Many things occured, the main things were: my sweet sixteen, how my feelings grew so much for him, an eye opening moment. All these things I think i should write more into depth later but right now I'm too sick to even type a freakin entry. Many things are in my mind, but by tomorrow I'm hoping I will forget all about it. Good night ~

All because of me.

Time to vent. Theres a reason of why this posting title is called "all because of me", i cannot help but to blame myself for everything that has happened to me in my life. Looking at the mirror, those pictures of myself in my childhood just saddens me because i do not know what happened to me. Who am I ? Why did i become like this? .. Why can't i love myself? Why can't I just accept everything and move on instead of thinking about everything in the past and bring myself down more? I just came back from Yuki's house, hanging out with Yuki and Paul, I don't know when the moment I started thinking and becoming depressed but probably it was the moment when Paul couldn't tell me about what is going on because he doesn't really trust me, I look like someone who has a big mouth. Yes, it's true. I accept that fact. If i heard that statement over and over again for how many years, I guess this is true. I need someone right now but I can't tell anyone because then that would be proving that statement is once again true. I want to vent, maybe that is the problem. Maybe I really do have a big mouth. I should accept that right? I should just learn to suck everything up and not say anything to anyone especially to Yuki right? I want to tell Yuki so badly, I want to tell Eunice so badly, I want to tell JeeSun so badly. But I can't. I should just keep this bad mouth shut. Not say a word. Just vent everything on here right? I should right? I really wish that Angela would have never told me any of those stuff of how people talk so much shit behind my back and I am so stupid enough that I don't even realize it. I have opened up to so much people and I guess this is them saying of how much they appreciate it. I hate it. I hate friends. I hate life. It's so fucken hard. I don't know why I can't live one day without thinking if that friend or that friend is talking shit behind my back or not. It hurts so much. I'm so insecure about myself that I sometimes still think to this day that I'm not good enough for Yuki, Jee Sun, mom or dad, everyone. If people doesn't trust me, then I guess I can't even trust myself, I thought all this time that I was a good friend who's always there for friends, but now I understand why I'm not really there for alot of people. It's because they don't trust me, they don't want to come to me and talk to me because I'm Joyce. Yes, I'm the Joyce who made all those mistakes, those rumors you heard about a girl name Joyce that girl is probably me and probably those rumors are true. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to open up to anyone anymore, it hurts too much. I want to keep everything inside and not tell anyone anything. That should be the solution to all this right? I'm so scared that people who I open up to will one sudden moment turn their backs on me and leave me. For those who I hurt, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, honestly. I want to change, and I will. I'll stop talking and being a big mouth . I'll tighten up my mouth to not spread anything. I promise. If I break this promise, I do not know myself.

I can't do this, i really can't. So many things have gone wrong within such a short period of time. i hate this. Looking at my past and what has happened, it's all my fault. I try to tell the truth of how things happened, but they don't believe me, they never will. I try to be honest and faithful but that doesnt work. I wanna be the best but that's impossible. I try to hold back the tears but they can no longer hold back. I don't know what this life has to give me. I'm in so much pain and no one knows. I can't tell. I can't let anyone know how I really feel. I have to suck it all up and just move on.. hoping it will all just go away. I'm bawling my eyes out right now cause I can't hold it in. I want to call him but I don't want to worry him or cause any more trouble. I put on a smile to pretend it's all okay, when nothing is. My relationship with him is too precious for me to mess up and end up losing, I can't let that happen. I hate myself, it's hard to love myself. I don't know how to forgive myself. I want to talk but no words come out.. why is everything like this? Of course I made mistakes and it is my fault.. I know.. I try to let them know that it is like that.. in their own minds its the thought of me telling everyone a some sort of a propagandist story.. I'm the good one and they're the bad ones.. not true. I'm the bad one and they're the good ones. I made way too many mistakes to be considered good. I constantly try not to disappoint them but always end up disappointing them. I'm afraid to tell him everything of what is going on in this house; I can't make him worried.. I'm too afraid that he'll know I'm someone who can't even love my ownself.. i don't want him to leave me.. but then.. yet, I dont want to bring him into this life I have where problems will come, maybe I should let him go to get him in a safe place, somewhere where no one can hurt him, but at the same time I can't let go of him. I don't know what I will do without him, I really don't. He is the only one who cares and loves me for me.. how is that possible? Is that possible? .. I wish my family was like that. Why can't they love me for me? Why can't they see that I'm trying here? I know I lied to them.. but isn't it understandable? They're not accepting the fact that this is the real deal, if I don't lie then I can't be with him. He is the only one I want to be with. He is the only reason I want to change and become a better person. He gives me a bigger motivation. I want to forgive and forget.. especially of myself. I want to stop thinking of myself as a monster, someone or something that is inhumane . All of this pulled me away from God so much, I finally had the guts to tell her straight up to stop teaching, she's a hypocrite. How can she teach other girls that are my age this and that while back at home it is all the total opposite to me? She tells them to love and not hate, but what the hell is she doing at home? Once again she tells me im far off from even being a normal kid. She regrets us meeting. She wants that perfect daughter and I'm sorry that I fucked up my life so much it is impossible. She nags and brags about how my brother and I never make our parents proud, something they can nag to grandparents and friends at church.. I've tried and am trying so hard to make something that will make them at least proud of at least one thing. My life is so bad, I need to fix it. This is my life, no one else's. I'm gonna protect it on my own, I don't need anyone else.

got lots to say in such a limited time.

Dear boyfriend,

It has already been 3 1/2 months ever since you and I started. That day, that moment is when all of my happiness started. You entered my life in the most weirdest but yet cutest way as possible. It was bad timing because of things that was happening in my family but then yet you and I got through it together which is a huge deal for me. Just a moment ago I was re-reading the old posts I had written for you, I have got to say; my feelings DEFINITELY grew so much for you. Even though I have made some mistakes towards you, you still love me the same as much as you did before or you love me even more, that makes me feel so grateful I do not even know how I will ever be able to repay all that love back. You give me so much love that I can't even hold my hands still when I'm typing, and my fingers are shaking. Whenever I think about you, I just want to put you in my pocket and keep you forever. But sadly, that is not possible. But it is possible to keep you in my heart forever right? It's nice to know that you love me for me, just wanting to let you know that i for sure so love you for you. You have changed my life so much. Just being with you wants me to have a bigger motivation of becoming a better person, you make me think twice as more than i usually do. I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of you but it always turns out of me making a fool out of myself. I try to be that perfect person, but im so imperfect, so far from ever being perfect. I try to be the best girl friend, or even a friend to you but I know i lack something somewhere and will make a mistake to you, or even hurt you one day and I'm sorry. All these things I'm writing would probably make no sense to you at all but I'm just jotting things down as they come up into the front of my mind. Continuing on with want I wanted to say.. alot things has changed and has occured within these 3 and a half months. Lots of shit happened, but then lots of GOOD things happened. Right now, recapping on all of the good memories we have made together just makes me so happy right now. After all these years of pain and suffering all by myself, it feels so wonderful to know what really happiness is. I don't want anything from you, I don't expect anything from you. All I want is to be with you and only you. I don't love you because you're this or that, I love you for you. You, yourself is such a huge blessing to me. I really do not understand those girls in the past where they "dumped" you, seriously they must have been blind or really retarded. One day when I become a physician assistant, I swear I will hunt those girls down and do a mental or physical check up on them :P But you know what? I'm actually glad those things happened, in which you turned out to be single which caused us to be together. Thinking about the future (in which i really shouldn't be doing) makes me excited for what is about to come. It has been 3 1/2 months, but I am excited to say one day " it has been 3 1/2 years and we're still going" (: Since in the most recent post you have put up, you have listed why you love me, why can i not do that too? Want to know a tiny bit of why I love you? (:

ilove your comfort

ilove the safety feeling i get when i'm around you

ilove that you're naturally intelligent

ilove your height

ilove your ethnicity

ilove your sort of mysterious side

ilove your "manliness" (;

ilove your beautiful handsome face

ilove your flaws

ilove your voice

ilove your corniness

ilove that you care about me

ilove that you would tell me things you would never tell others about

ilove that you're my best friend

ilove that you listen when I want to vent

ilove that you make me feel like it's okay to cry

ilove that you remind me of what i'm here for everyday

ilove your gentleness

ilove that youre athletic

ilove that we laugh together about the most stupidest things

ilove the moments we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt

ilove your cuteness

ilove the way you act, of how proud you are when you unclog a toilet

ilove watching a movie or show with you, feeling like i'm living with you

ilove that you're still committed to be with me after all those crazy things

ilove that you love me and only me

ilove that you have such an honest and sincere heart.

ilove that you're like a fallen angel to me

ilove that you're YUKI and ONLY YUKI.

YOU ARE THE ONE AND ONLY YUKI NAKA I LOVE, NO ONE ELSE.

GOT THAT? MY FEELINGS FOR YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE. DON'T EVER FORGET THAT YUKI .

I'm not really sure if i made any sense within this whole entire entry but yeah, hope you got a little taste of my feelings (; love you yuki <3

사랑해 유키, 너무 많이 사랑해.

yuki o ai shite imasu

I LOVE YOU.

love, your one and only girlfriend (:

shitholee

Dear M.M.,

I dont even know where to start. Too many things to vent about. way too many things in my mind. Last night was pretty hard on me.. thats the best way i think i can put it. I know im a tough girl.. im not going to lie.. i admit that i did make alot of mistakes but that doesnt mean i have a problem. my parents say way too many things that make me actually believe them. i question myself, why cant they be more loving? ... after all the shit i have gone through, why cant they comfort me the way i want them to after i have gone through all this? i wish .. they would leave me alone. they ask me if i wouldnt mind them just moving somewhere else after my brother graduates, hell nawh. i would LOVE FOR THEM TO MOVE. they ask me how can i love someone else when i cant love my own family? i actually can. all they did for me all this time is make more and more cuts in my heart.. i want it to heal. they won't let it. my parents arent the only reasons.. my brother just causes major shit in my life. im not really sure if any of this makes any sense. maybe i feel like this because so many shit is happening all at the same time. what i just dont understand is why my mom cant just LET GO. she wont let go of anything that happened in the past dammit. when she tells me that she wants the best for me, what the hell is with all the comments and things she says about me that hurts me? calling me cheap? what the fuck. calling me a cougar? what the fuck. calling you and comparing you to my little baby cousin? thats a hell no. What i am curious more about is.. is this all real ? .. is this worth it ? i dont really know how to explain it but .. like the best way i can put it is; is this real? I know i really shouldnt even be thinking about the future or anything like that. but the things im just dealing with i feel like i have no other way but to think about it. i dont want to look back one day and regret going through all this shit and regret it cause it was all for nothing. you feeling me? :P (ghetto talk) like my concern is our relationship.. is there a high possibility of going far? or is it one of those high school couples where in the end we will separate and go our own directions? .. i dont know. these things just remain in my mind. im really hoping the things my mom said about you are all wrong. since you always prove me wrong, im hoping you will always prove my mom wrong. Talking to you as of right now.. idk.. comforts me alot. it makes me forget about all the shit that is happening at this moment. i can feel the tension. the hatred between my parents and i. You know how i feel about you. This is not a game that im playing. i play silly little games.. but this is way to serious for me to play. So the things that are happening right now, my parents think that i have broken up with you.. my phone(boyfriend #2) is no longer with me.. for a while at least.. i dont think i can go out.. and we must stay on the d.l. which means.. you MUST GO ONLINE MORE OFTEN ! xP and i shall be writing on here daily so i can VENT ALL THIS SHIT OUT. if my parents move away.. that would be the happiest moment for me. not that im saying i NEVER want to see them again.. but then.. i just want my space. im not a little girl anymore.. im not going to do something im going to regret. that is not gonna happen, i WONT let it happen. screw this. im done. ill write more later.

You know im almost in love with you right? (:

Love,

This chick right here

no comment..

Dear MushiMan,

Hi. Want to start off with a sorry :/ i dont know why but youre the first guy whom i always feel stupid if i got you upset.. usually i dont really care what i do or say around the guy i like but for you.. i try to be my best? yeah i know.. youre probably thinking like "PSSHHH, NAW" but yeah.. whenever i got you upset i beat myself up for doing that and i feel SO dumb for doing that to you.. the past two days it was pretty crazy and hectic but yet at the same time it showed how i really felt about you. i now have a for sure feeling that i like you alot.. uhmm.. maybe on its way of falling for you?.. i dont know if any of this is making any sense or not. so i apologize for everything that i did that made you feel in any negativity way.

Today is new years.. thought that it will be a good day, but.. in the first couple hours i already messed yours up.. im sorry again T_T.. when i met you later on today i thought things were okay but i had this feeling that something was not right.. that maybe you're not feeling okay right now.. i asked you.. and all i constantly got was a "i dont know".. that scared me every single time you said that. i asked you if you lost feelings for me.. i got a silence from you. that scared me more. you, not saying anything.. even to that question really scared me. i guess it really is true that one day a guy will be crazy for you.. but the next.. it'll be gone. this happened numerous times.. im scared you might also do the same thing. im trying to tell myself to not think like that and have some hope but then i cant. i can not not think like that until im for sure that your feelings for me are the same and is not decreasing. i want it to increase.. not decrease. it sucks like crazy dude. last night i read your entry.. you dont know how much i couldnt stop smiling.. but then there was today. so what else am i supposed to think? all i gotta say is a huge "what the heck is going on". i want you to talk to me.. but it seems like you were lost there yourself too.. all im trying to say is.. "I WILL NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER LET YOU GO". hope that it's the same for you too. whatever is going on.. lets not just throw everything away, yeah?

-whew- i feel SO MUCH better saying all this..

You know better than anyone else of how i feel about you.

just keep that in mind budddy.

LOVE,

this chick right here <3