I can't do this, i really can't. So many things have gone wrong within such a short period of time. i hate this. Looking at my past and what has happened, it's all my fault. I try to tell the truth of how things happened, but they don't believe me, they never will. I try to be honest and faithful but that doesnt work. I wanna be the best but that's impossible. I try to hold back the tears but they can no longer hold back. I don't know what this life has to give me. I'm in so much pain and no one knows. I can't tell. I can't let anyone know how I really feel. I have to suck it all up and just move on.. hoping it will all just go away. I'm bawling my eyes out right now cause I can't hold it in. I want to call him but I don't want to worry him or cause any more trouble. I put on a smile to pretend it's all okay, when nothing is. My relationship with him is too precious for me to mess up and end up losing, I can't let that happen. I hate myself, it's hard to love myself. I don't know how to forgive myself. I want to talk but no words come out.. why is everything like this? Of course I made mistakes and it is my fault.. I know.. I try to let them know that it is like that.. in their own minds its the thought of me telling everyone a some sort of a propagandist story.. I'm the good one and they're the bad ones.. not true. I'm the bad one and they're the good ones. I made way too many mistakes to be considered good. I constantly try not to disappoint them but always end up disappointing them. I'm afraid to tell him everything of what is going on in this house; I can't make him worried.. I'm too afraid that he'll know I'm someone who can't even love my ownself.. i don't want him to leave me.. but then.. yet, I dont want to bring him into this life I have where problems will come, maybe I should let him go to get him in a safe place, somewhere where no one can hurt him, but at the same time I can't let go of him. I don't know what I will do without him, I really don't. He is the only one who cares and loves me for me.. how is that possible? Is that possible? .. I wish my family was like that. Why can't they love me for me? Why can't they see that I'm trying here? I know I lied to them.. but isn't it understandable? They're not accepting the fact that this is the real deal, if I don't lie then I can't be with him. He is the only one I want to be with. He is the only reason I want to change and become a better person. He gives me a bigger motivation. I want to forgive and forget.. especially of myself. I want to stop thinking of myself as a monster, someone or something that is inhumane . All of this pulled me away from God so much, I finally had the guts to tell her straight up to stop teaching, she's a hypocrite. How can she teach other girls that are my age this and that while back at home it is all the total opposite to me? She tells them to love and not hate, but what the hell is she doing at home? Once again she tells me im far off from even being a normal kid. She regrets us meeting. She wants that perfect daughter and I'm sorry that I fucked up my life so much it is impossible. She nags and brags about how my brother and I never make our parents proud, something they can nag to grandparents and friends at church.. I've tried and am trying so hard to make something that will make them at least proud of at least one thing. My life is so bad, I need to fix it. This is my life, no one else's. I'm gonna protect it on my own, I don't need anyone else.