careless.

Sitting here at home in my room on my laptop while listening to music and just in deep thought makes things so clear.. dont get me wrong.. im not saying that i have all the answers to my problems or hardships right now.. but it seems SO CLEAR. Just thinking about another year beginning.. as im now going to be a sophomore i want to make some changes. i want to set some "rules" within myself as you can say. Thinking about what others think about me- i want that gone. i want to give up on trying to find people to love me- i want this to just come and find me now.. its burdensome to go out and try to find love, ive learned and realized that love should come and find you. im tired of constantly being in complicated situations over and over again. i want to learn to especially be myself. if someone doesnt like me; screw them. its not like im going to die without them. once school starts imma walk down the halls with my head up. no one should look down at me. just because i curse or do some things in a certain doesnt or ever shouldnt define my beliefs. i believe in God.. even though its tiring and hard to understand. even its hard for me to just frikken pray. isnt that funny ? when im praying.. as i was praying .. just looking up at the ceiling while i was laying down.. i felt and told God that i feel like im talking to myself like an idiot. i dont know where i exactly stand right now. my parents used a large amount of money sending me halfway the united states to just learn about certain things about God and christianity. i guess it really is hard to not judge someone.. to really not look down at someone.. i understand how people would look at me. i used to be on the praise team as a vocalist.. thinking about it makes me feel disgusted. i feel fake.. i dont want to walk down the halls at church. i dont want to feel the guilt over and over and over again as i sit in that worship room. God.. please show me that youre worth it.. that you're real.. that you really are right next to me walking with me through all this. im afraid that this curiousity.. this confusement i have right now will keep on following me for the rest of my life. if you're real.. if the last day; judgement day does exist.. im hella scared that when i stand before you, you'll show me the real me. i sometimes dont even know who i am or what the hell im doing here. even when im by myself in my room with no one else around i even end up fooling myself at the end of the day. i dont want to. i even want to be real with myself and stop fooling myself and everyone around me. im scared out of my mind that satan will get me.. that he has already gotten me. i need you to comfort me.. i want to learn to lean on you, trust you.. and really believe that you're the only one that can fill that loneliness and emptiness i have in my heart.i want to live my life onwards happily, peacefully. will you help me? can you just send me some angel to really fill my needs? just watching my dad doing just simple stuff like buying me and becky some mcdonalds.. i feel sorry for him., i wish i could be a better daughter.. but i dont know how. i dont want these thoughts to just go away by a day or a week. i want to help and i want to stop being selfish. Church is sometimes so hard to handle.. and also friennds and family. i honestly DONT GIVE A FUCK about if i have alot of friends or not. i just dont want to be around people any longer who is gonna lie to me up on my face because im tired of that. i hate liars and i hate lying. im not a liar.. i want to be a good friend to someone.. i hope all these wishes and thoughts i have will come true one day.. imma try to keep on hoping and keep my fingers crossed for this to happen.