"ambivalence"

The first thing i want to write is that i feel so "off-balanced"..i was walking home today from carl's jr.. sometimes when im with these "friends" im not even sure if they're friends or not. when i was walking there i was thinking in my head "why the hell am i here with them, they probably don't like me, well they sure dont treat me like they like me.." this is full of crap. im in crap right now. i have feelings for this one guy who lives in texas not even knowing if he's two-timing me, he texts my friend first and doesnt contact me at all.. what the hell is going through his mind huh? and now theres a guy whom im really close with and also care alot about. we're only "friends with benefits" but i sometimes think about if maybe we can be a little more than that.. i hook up with him then he doesnt talk to me ever since.. is he disappointed? why isnt he calling back or texting back? what's going on? same thing for the texas guy, why isnt he texting me or calling me back? after i heard about that theres a possibility that he has a secret girlfriend i dont know if i should be trusting him or not. thinking about it.. why do i even want a guy?whats the point? the question runs through my head over and over again .. why do i want a guy to be beside me..whywhywhy. whats the frikken damn point. i frikken hate confusing myself over and over again. honestly, yes im lonely. i have low self esteem thats why when i think that i dont have a guy beside me is because im not pretty enough or good enough for anyone. im falling away from God so much, i live my every day life like i dont even believe in God which makes me question if God is real and if he really is in my heart. im confused like fuck. i fuckin hate this ! im head is spinning. im tired of trying to get approval from others. i want to be myself without having the thought of what others think about me. embarrassment is something i cannot deal with, and also the thought or knowledge of others talking shit about me behind my back.. i want to BE MYSELF. not the person hiding myself pretending im okay and all when im not. im aboout to go crazy i swear. i want to scream on top of my lungs right now. i want to just go out and run around the block until i faint. that feeling of freedom.. the wind blowing onto my face.. thats what i want right now. i want the cold feeling right now. this moment i want to just do that. i want to cry i fckin damn heart out. im so confused.. lonely..tired and i want to feel loved. i lack that in so much ways. i want to cry; i have to be strong. i cant break down right now..i dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone worried.. i want to be left alone. no one bothering me.. but yet i want to be comforted, but yet i dont want to make it like i want attention. im tired of always hearing that. cant i just be sad? isnt that normal? no one should be saying that i want attention thats why im crying or sad.. i just WANT TO FUCKING CRY MY HEART OUT ! IS THAT SOMETHING WRONG ?! fuck my life.. im tired of this.. im tired of EVERYTHING.