the moment.

at times i catch myself right before im about to break something, thats how angry i am. when im angry i catch myself breathing really heavily, and my stomach is turning, feels as if someone is twisting it all around. lately i have been having some really big fights with my mom, which like always my dad sides with. everyone fckin says that all parents are like that, but why do i feel as if mine is so different from all the others ? because of these fights im having, not only am i falling away more and more from my faith but also i feel more of a burden on my shoulders as i am walking into church every week. i can feel the burden on me, im putting on a mask onto my face everytime i walk in. if i open up to someone, it will make me feel better but hurt the ones i have talked about. its hard to tell the difference of gossiping and talking. right at this moment my heart is beating 326423864283 times more faster, my stomach is turning from side to side, not being able to breath even right. thats how angry and sad i am. i dont want to cuss, but have the feeling of need to. i feel like im alone at this moment.. no matter how much i can talk thiss out, it still wouldnt get any better. i try so much to change this bad attitude of mine, but my parents still dont see that. they dont see me as a good person.. they dont see me as a perfect daughter of theirs.. they see me as a tool, they can throw away whenever they want, use me when they need me. well.. i guess im like that to them too right ? at times when im so mad, so sick of their voices i just want to scream at the top of my lungs telling them to shut the fck up. im sick of always being pressured by them, just because im not a perfect christian nor a perfect daughter, does not mean that other children are better than i am. every child has some beef with their parents, did they know little of that ? are they still blind to see what have become of both their teen children. they have pressured us so much that we dont even know the truth anylonger. we dont know what is the meaning of love. we see it, but we dont feel it most of the time. 'family' is no longer in our vocabulary. it is long gone now. so far away you can even see it in the midst of air. writing this is some what helping me i guess. i want to sream, to do SOMETHING to get my mind off of this piece of crap. dont get me wrong, i love my parents.. they just pressured me so much ever since i was little i couldnt even say anything, it just corrupted me. i dont even know the truth anymoree.. nor the world.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-