I can't do this, i really can't. So many things have gone wrong within such a short period of time. i hate this. Looking at my past and what has happened, it's all my fault. I try to tell the truth of how things happened, but they don't believe me, they never will. I try to be honest and faithful but that doesnt work. I wanna be the best but that's impossible. I try to hold back the tears but they can no longer hold back. I don't know what this life has to give me. I'm in so much pain and no one knows. I can't tell. I can't let anyone know how I really feel. I have to suck it all up and just move on.. hoping it will all just go away. I'm bawling my eyes out right now cause I can't hold it in. I want to call him but I don't want to worry him or cause any more trouble. I put on a smile to pretend it's all okay, when nothing is. My relationship with him is too precious for me to mess up and end up losing, I can't let that happen. I hate myself, it's hard to love myself. I don't know how to forgive myself. I want to talk but no words come out.. why is everything like this? Of course I made mistakes and it is my fault.. I know.. I try to let them know that it is like that.. in their own minds its the thought of me telling everyone a some sort of a propagandist story.. I'm the good one and they're the bad ones.. not true. I'm the bad one and they're the good ones. I made way too many mistakes to be considered good. I constantly try not to disappoint them but always end up disappointing them. I'm afraid to tell him everything of what is going on in this house; I can't make him worried.. I'm too afraid that he'll know I'm someone who can't even love my ownself.. i don't want him to leave me.. but then.. yet, I dont want to bring him into this life I have where problems will come, maybe I should let him go to get him in a safe place, somewhere where no one can hurt him, but at the same time I can't let go of him. I don't know what I will do without him, I really don't. He is the only one who cares and loves me for me.. how is that possible? Is that possible? .. I wish my family was like that. Why can't they love me for me? Why can't they see that I'm trying here? I know I lied to them.. but isn't it understandable? They're not accepting the fact that this is the real deal, if I don't lie then I can't be with him. He is the only one I want to be with. He is the only reason I want to change and become a better person. He gives me a bigger motivation. I want to forgive and forget.. especially of myself. I want to stop thinking of myself as a monster, someone or something that is inhumane . All of this pulled me away from God so much, I finally had the guts to tell her straight up to stop teaching, she's a hypocrite. How can she teach other girls that are my age this and that while back at home it is all the total opposite to me? She tells them to love and not hate, but what the hell is she doing at home? Once again she tells me im far off from even being a normal kid. She regrets us meeting. She wants that perfect daughter and I'm sorry that I fucked up my life so much it is impossible. She nags and brags about how my brother and I never make our parents proud, something they can nag to grandparents and friends at church.. I've tried and am trying so hard to make something that will make them at least proud of at least one thing. My life is so bad, I need to fix it. This is my life, no one else's. I'm gonna protect it on my own, I don't need anyone else.

got lots to say in such a limited time.

Dear boyfriend,

It has already been 3 1/2 months ever since you and I started. That day, that moment is when all of my happiness started. You entered my life in the most weirdest but yet cutest way as possible. It was bad timing because of things that was happening in my family but then yet you and I got through it together which is a huge deal for me. Just a moment ago I was re-reading the old posts I had written for you, I have got to say; my feelings DEFINITELY grew so much for you. Even though I have made some mistakes towards you, you still love me the same as much as you did before or you love me even more, that makes me feel so grateful I do not even know how I will ever be able to repay all that love back. You give me so much love that I can't even hold my hands still when I'm typing, and my fingers are shaking. Whenever I think about you, I just want to put you in my pocket and keep you forever. But sadly, that is not possible. But it is possible to keep you in my heart forever right? It's nice to know that you love me for me, just wanting to let you know that i for sure so love you for you. You have changed my life so much. Just being with you wants me to have a bigger motivation of becoming a better person, you make me think twice as more than i usually do. I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of you but it always turns out of me making a fool out of myself. I try to be that perfect person, but im so imperfect, so far from ever being perfect. I try to be the best girl friend, or even a friend to you but I know i lack something somewhere and will make a mistake to you, or even hurt you one day and I'm sorry. All these things I'm writing would probably make no sense to you at all but I'm just jotting things down as they come up into the front of my mind. Continuing on with want I wanted to say.. alot things has changed and has occured within these 3 and a half months. Lots of shit happened, but then lots of GOOD things happened. Right now, recapping on all of the good memories we have made together just makes me so happy right now. After all these years of pain and suffering all by myself, it feels so wonderful to know what really happiness is. I don't want anything from you, I don't expect anything from you. All I want is to be with you and only you. I don't love you because you're this or that, I love you for you. You, yourself is such a huge blessing to me. I really do not understand those girls in the past where they "dumped" you, seriously they must have been blind or really retarded. One day when I become a physician assistant, I swear I will hunt those girls down and do a mental or physical check up on them :P But you know what? I'm actually glad those things happened, in which you turned out to be single which caused us to be together. Thinking about the future (in which i really shouldn't be doing) makes me excited for what is about to come. It has been 3 1/2 months, but I am excited to say one day " it has been 3 1/2 years and we're still going" (: Since in the most recent post you have put up, you have listed why you love me, why can i not do that too? Want to know a tiny bit of why I love you? (:

ilove your comfort

ilove the safety feeling i get when i'm around you

ilove that you're naturally intelligent

ilove your height

ilove your ethnicity

ilove your sort of mysterious side

ilove your "manliness" (;

ilove your beautiful handsome face

ilove your flaws

ilove your voice

ilove your corniness

ilove that you care about me

ilove that you would tell me things you would never tell others about

ilove that you're my best friend

ilove that you listen when I want to vent

ilove that you make me feel like it's okay to cry

ilove that you remind me of what i'm here for everyday

ilove your gentleness

ilove that youre athletic

ilove that we laugh together about the most stupidest things

ilove the moments we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt

ilove your cuteness

ilove the way you act, of how proud you are when you unclog a toilet

ilove watching a movie or show with you, feeling like i'm living with you

ilove that you're still committed to be with me after all those crazy things

ilove that you love me and only me

ilove that you have such an honest and sincere heart.

ilove that you're like a fallen angel to me

ilove that you're YUKI and ONLY YUKI.

YOU ARE THE ONE AND ONLY YUKI NAKA I LOVE, NO ONE ELSE.

GOT THAT? MY FEELINGS FOR YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE. DON'T EVER FORGET THAT YUKI .

I'm not really sure if i made any sense within this whole entire entry but yeah, hope you got a little taste of my feelings (; love you yuki <3

사랑해 유키, 너무 많이 사랑해.

yuki o ai shite imasu

I LOVE YOU.

love, your one and only girlfriend (: