shitholee

Dear M.M.,

I dont even know where to start. Too many things to vent about. way too many things in my mind. Last night was pretty hard on me.. thats the best way i think i can put it. I know im a tough girl.. im not going to lie.. i admit that i did make alot of mistakes but that doesnt mean i have a problem. my parents say way too many things that make me actually believe them. i question myself, why cant they be more loving? ... after all the shit i have gone through, why cant they comfort me the way i want them to after i have gone through all this? i wish .. they would leave me alone. they ask me if i wouldnt mind them just moving somewhere else after my brother graduates, hell nawh. i would LOVE FOR THEM TO MOVE. they ask me how can i love someone else when i cant love my own family? i actually can. all they did for me all this time is make more and more cuts in my heart.. i want it to heal. they won't let it. my parents arent the only reasons.. my brother just causes major shit in my life. im not really sure if any of this makes any sense. maybe i feel like this because so many shit is happening all at the same time. what i just dont understand is why my mom cant just LET GO. she wont let go of anything that happened in the past dammit. when she tells me that she wants the best for me, what the hell is with all the comments and things she says about me that hurts me? calling me cheap? what the fuck. calling me a cougar? what the fuck. calling you and comparing you to my little baby cousin? thats a hell no. What i am curious more about is.. is this all real ? .. is this worth it ? i dont really know how to explain it but .. like the best way i can put it is; is this real? I know i really shouldnt even be thinking about the future or anything like that. but the things im just dealing with i feel like i have no other way but to think about it. i dont want to look back one day and regret going through all this shit and regret it cause it was all for nothing. you feeling me? :P (ghetto talk) like my concern is our relationship.. is there a high possibility of going far? or is it one of those high school couples where in the end we will separate and go our own directions? .. i dont know. these things just remain in my mind. im really hoping the things my mom said about you are all wrong. since you always prove me wrong, im hoping you will always prove my mom wrong. Talking to you as of right now.. idk.. comforts me alot. it makes me forget about all the shit that is happening at this moment. i can feel the tension. the hatred between my parents and i. You know how i feel about you. This is not a game that im playing. i play silly little games.. but this is way to serious for me to play. So the things that are happening right now, my parents think that i have broken up with you.. my phone(boyfriend #2) is no longer with me.. for a while at least.. i dont think i can go out.. and we must stay on the d.l. which means.. you MUST GO ONLINE MORE OFTEN ! xP and i shall be writing on here daily so i can VENT ALL THIS SHIT OUT. if my parents move away.. that would be the happiest moment for me. not that im saying i NEVER want to see them again.. but then.. i just want my space. im not a little girl anymore.. im not going to do something im going to regret. that is not gonna happen, i WONT let it happen. screw this. im done. ill write more later.

You know im almost in love with you right? (:

Love,

This chick right here

no comment..

Dear MushiMan,

Hi. Want to start off with a sorry :/ i dont know why but youre the first guy whom i always feel stupid if i got you upset.. usually i dont really care what i do or say around the guy i like but for you.. i try to be my best? yeah i know.. youre probably thinking like "PSSHHH, NAW" but yeah.. whenever i got you upset i beat myself up for doing that and i feel SO dumb for doing that to you.. the past two days it was pretty crazy and hectic but yet at the same time it showed how i really felt about you. i now have a for sure feeling that i like you alot.. uhmm.. maybe on its way of falling for you?.. i dont know if any of this is making any sense or not. so i apologize for everything that i did that made you feel in any negativity way.

Today is new years.. thought that it will be a good day, but.. in the first couple hours i already messed yours up.. im sorry again T_T.. when i met you later on today i thought things were okay but i had this feeling that something was not right.. that maybe you're not feeling okay right now.. i asked you.. and all i constantly got was a "i dont know".. that scared me every single time you said that. i asked you if you lost feelings for me.. i got a silence from you. that scared me more. you, not saying anything.. even to that question really scared me. i guess it really is true that one day a guy will be crazy for you.. but the next.. it'll be gone. this happened numerous times.. im scared you might also do the same thing. im trying to tell myself to not think like that and have some hope but then i cant. i can not not think like that until im for sure that your feelings for me are the same and is not decreasing. i want it to increase.. not decrease. it sucks like crazy dude. last night i read your entry.. you dont know how much i couldnt stop smiling.. but then there was today. so what else am i supposed to think? all i gotta say is a huge "what the heck is going on". i want you to talk to me.. but it seems like you were lost there yourself too.. all im trying to say is.. "I WILL NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER LET YOU GO". hope that it's the same for you too. whatever is going on.. lets not just throw everything away, yeah?

-whew- i feel SO MUCH better saying all this..

You know better than anyone else of how i feel about you.

just keep that in mind budddy.

LOVE,

this chick right here <3