careless.

Sitting here at home in my room on my laptop while listening to music and just in deep thought makes things so clear.. dont get me wrong.. im not saying that i have all the answers to my problems or hardships right now.. but it seems SO CLEAR. Just thinking about another year beginning.. as im now going to be a sophomore i want to make some changes. i want to set some "rules" within myself as you can say. Thinking about what others think about me- i want that gone. i want to give up on trying to find people to love me- i want this to just come and find me now.. its burdensome to go out and try to find love, ive learned and realized that love should come and find you. im tired of constantly being in complicated situations over and over again. i want to learn to especially be myself. if someone doesnt like me; screw them. its not like im going to die without them. once school starts imma walk down the halls with my head up. no one should look down at me. just because i curse or do some things in a certain doesnt or ever shouldnt define my beliefs. i believe in God.. even though its tiring and hard to understand. even its hard for me to just frikken pray. isnt that funny ? when im praying.. as i was praying .. just looking up at the ceiling while i was laying down.. i felt and told God that i feel like im talking to myself like an idiot. i dont know where i exactly stand right now. my parents used a large amount of money sending me halfway the united states to just learn about certain things about God and christianity. i guess it really is hard to not judge someone.. to really not look down at someone.. i understand how people would look at me. i used to be on the praise team as a vocalist.. thinking about it makes me feel disgusted. i feel fake.. i dont want to walk down the halls at church. i dont want to feel the guilt over and over and over again as i sit in that worship room. God.. please show me that youre worth it.. that you're real.. that you really are right next to me walking with me through all this. im afraid that this curiousity.. this confusement i have right now will keep on following me for the rest of my life. if you're real.. if the last day; judgement day does exist.. im hella scared that when i stand before you, you'll show me the real me. i sometimes dont even know who i am or what the hell im doing here. even when im by myself in my room with no one else around i even end up fooling myself at the end of the day. i dont want to. i even want to be real with myself and stop fooling myself and everyone around me. im scared out of my mind that satan will get me.. that he has already gotten me. i need you to comfort me.. i want to learn to lean on you, trust you.. and really believe that you're the only one that can fill that loneliness and emptiness i have in my heart.i want to live my life onwards happily, peacefully. will you help me? can you just send me some angel to really fill my needs? just watching my dad doing just simple stuff like buying me and becky some mcdonalds.. i feel sorry for him., i wish i could be a better daughter.. but i dont know how. i dont want these thoughts to just go away by a day or a week. i want to help and i want to stop being selfish. Church is sometimes so hard to handle.. and also friennds and family. i honestly DONT GIVE A FUCK about if i have alot of friends or not. i just dont want to be around people any longer who is gonna lie to me up on my face because im tired of that. i hate liars and i hate lying. im not a liar.. i want to be a good friend to someone.. i hope all these wishes and thoughts i have will come true one day.. imma try to keep on hoping and keep my fingers crossed for this to happen.

"ambivalence"

The first thing i want to write is that i feel so "off-balanced"..i was walking home today from carl's jr.. sometimes when im with these "friends" im not even sure if they're friends or not. when i was walking there i was thinking in my head "why the hell am i here with them, they probably don't like me, well they sure dont treat me like they like me.." this is full of crap. im in crap right now. i have feelings for this one guy who lives in texas not even knowing if he's two-timing me, he texts my friend first and doesnt contact me at all.. what the hell is going through his mind huh? and now theres a guy whom im really close with and also care alot about. we're only "friends with benefits" but i sometimes think about if maybe we can be a little more than that.. i hook up with him then he doesnt talk to me ever since.. is he disappointed? why isnt he calling back or texting back? what's going on? same thing for the texas guy, why isnt he texting me or calling me back? after i heard about that theres a possibility that he has a secret girlfriend i dont know if i should be trusting him or not. thinking about it.. why do i even want a guy?whats the point? the question runs through my head over and over again .. why do i want a guy to be beside me..whywhywhy. whats the frikken damn point. i frikken hate confusing myself over and over again. honestly, yes im lonely. i have low self esteem thats why when i think that i dont have a guy beside me is because im not pretty enough or good enough for anyone. im falling away from God so much, i live my every day life like i dont even believe in God which makes me question if God is real and if he really is in my heart. im confused like fuck. i fuckin hate this ! im head is spinning. im tired of trying to get approval from others. i want to be myself without having the thought of what others think about me. embarrassment is something i cannot deal with, and also the thought or knowledge of others talking shit about me behind my back.. i want to BE MYSELF. not the person hiding myself pretending im okay and all when im not. im aboout to go crazy i swear. i want to scream on top of my lungs right now. i want to just go out and run around the block until i faint. that feeling of freedom.. the wind blowing onto my face.. thats what i want right now. i want the cold feeling right now. this moment i want to just do that. i want to cry i fckin damn heart out. im so confused.. lonely..tired and i want to feel loved. i lack that in so much ways. i want to cry; i have to be strong. i cant break down right now..i dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone worried.. i want to be left alone. no one bothering me.. but yet i want to be comforted, but yet i dont want to make it like i want attention. im tired of always hearing that. cant i just be sad? isnt that normal? no one should be saying that i want attention thats why im crying or sad.. i just WANT TO FUCKING CRY MY HEART OUT ! IS THAT SOMETHING WRONG ?! fuck my life.. im tired of this.. im tired of EVERYTHING.