All because of me.

Time to vent. Theres a reason of why this posting title is called "all because of me", i cannot help but to blame myself for everything that has happened to me in my life. Looking at the mirror, those pictures of myself in my childhood just saddens me because i do not know what happened to me. Who am I ? Why did i become like this? .. Why can't i love myself? Why can't I just accept everything and move on instead of thinking about everything in the past and bring myself down more? I just came back from Yuki's house, hanging out with Yuki and Paul, I don't know when the moment I started thinking and becoming depressed but probably it was the moment when Paul couldn't tell me about what is going on because he doesn't really trust me, I look like someone who has a big mouth. Yes, it's true. I accept that fact. If i heard that statement over and over again for how many years, I guess this is true. I need someone right now but I can't tell anyone because then that would be proving that statement is once again true. I want to vent, maybe that is the problem. Maybe I really do have a big mouth. I should accept that right? I should just learn to suck everything up and not say anything to anyone especially to Yuki right? I want to tell Yuki so badly, I want to tell Eunice so badly, I want to tell JeeSun so badly. But I can't. I should just keep this bad mouth shut. Not say a word. Just vent everything on here right? I should right? I really wish that Angela would have never told me any of those stuff of how people talk so much shit behind my back and I am so stupid enough that I don't even realize it. I have opened up to so much people and I guess this is them saying of how much they appreciate it. I hate it. I hate friends. I hate life. It's so fucken hard. I don't know why I can't live one day without thinking if that friend or that friend is talking shit behind my back or not. It hurts so much. I'm so insecure about myself that I sometimes still think to this day that I'm not good enough for Yuki, Jee Sun, mom or dad, everyone. If people doesn't trust me, then I guess I can't even trust myself, I thought all this time that I was a good friend who's always there for friends, but now I understand why I'm not really there for alot of people. It's because they don't trust me, they don't want to come to me and talk to me because I'm Joyce. Yes, I'm the Joyce who made all those mistakes, those rumors you heard about a girl name Joyce that girl is probably me and probably those rumors are true. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to open up to anyone anymore, it hurts too much. I want to keep everything inside and not tell anyone anything. That should be the solution to all this right? I'm so scared that people who I open up to will one sudden moment turn their backs on me and leave me. For those who I hurt, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, honestly. I want to change, and I will. I'll stop talking and being a big mouth . I'll tighten up my mouth to not spread anything. I promise. If I break this promise, I do not know myself.