shitholee

Dear M.M.,

I dont even know where to start. Too many things to vent about. way too many things in my mind. Last night was pretty hard on me.. thats the best way i think i can put it. I know im a tough girl.. im not going to lie.. i admit that i did make alot of mistakes but that doesnt mean i have a problem. my parents say way too many things that make me actually believe them. i question myself, why cant they be more loving? ... after all the shit i have gone through, why cant they comfort me the way i want them to after i have gone through all this? i wish .. they would leave me alone. they ask me if i wouldnt mind them just moving somewhere else after my brother graduates, hell nawh. i would LOVE FOR THEM TO MOVE. they ask me how can i love someone else when i cant love my own family? i actually can. all they did for me all this time is make more and more cuts in my heart.. i want it to heal. they won't let it. my parents arent the only reasons.. my brother just causes major shit in my life. im not really sure if any of this makes any sense. maybe i feel like this because so many shit is happening all at the same time. what i just dont understand is why my mom cant just LET GO. she wont let go of anything that happened in the past dammit. when she tells me that she wants the best for me, what the hell is with all the comments and things she says about me that hurts me? calling me cheap? what the fuck. calling me a cougar? what the fuck. calling you and comparing you to my little baby cousin? thats a hell no. What i am curious more about is.. is this all real ? .. is this worth it ? i dont really know how to explain it but .. like the best way i can put it is; is this real? I know i really shouldnt even be thinking about the future or anything like that. but the things im just dealing with i feel like i have no other way but to think about it. i dont want to look back one day and regret going through all this shit and regret it cause it was all for nothing. you feeling me? :P (ghetto talk) like my concern is our relationship.. is there a high possibility of going far? or is it one of those high school couples where in the end we will separate and go our own directions? .. i dont know. these things just remain in my mind. im really hoping the things my mom said about you are all wrong. since you always prove me wrong, im hoping you will always prove my mom wrong. Talking to you as of right now.. idk.. comforts me alot. it makes me forget about all the shit that is happening at this moment. i can feel the tension. the hatred between my parents and i. You know how i feel about you. This is not a game that im playing. i play silly little games.. but this is way to serious for me to play. So the things that are happening right now, my parents think that i have broken up with you.. my phone(boyfriend #2) is no longer with me.. for a while at least.. i dont think i can go out.. and we must stay on the d.l. which means.. you MUST GO ONLINE MORE OFTEN ! xP and i shall be writing on here daily so i can VENT ALL THIS SHIT OUT. if my parents move away.. that would be the happiest moment for me. not that im saying i NEVER want to see them again.. but then.. i just want my space. im not a little girl anymore.. im not going to do something im going to regret. that is not gonna happen, i WONT let it happen. screw this. im done. ill write more later.

You know im almost in love with you right? (:

Love,

This chick right here

no comment..

Dear MushiMan,

Hi. Want to start off with a sorry :/ i dont know why but youre the first guy whom i always feel stupid if i got you upset.. usually i dont really care what i do or say around the guy i like but for you.. i try to be my best? yeah i know.. youre probably thinking like "PSSHHH, NAW" but yeah.. whenever i got you upset i beat myself up for doing that and i feel SO dumb for doing that to you.. the past two days it was pretty crazy and hectic but yet at the same time it showed how i really felt about you. i now have a for sure feeling that i like you alot.. uhmm.. maybe on its way of falling for you?.. i dont know if any of this is making any sense or not. so i apologize for everything that i did that made you feel in any negativity way.

Today is new years.. thought that it will be a good day, but.. in the first couple hours i already messed yours up.. im sorry again T_T.. when i met you later on today i thought things were okay but i had this feeling that something was not right.. that maybe you're not feeling okay right now.. i asked you.. and all i constantly got was a "i dont know".. that scared me every single time you said that. i asked you if you lost feelings for me.. i got a silence from you. that scared me more. you, not saying anything.. even to that question really scared me. i guess it really is true that one day a guy will be crazy for you.. but the next.. it'll be gone. this happened numerous times.. im scared you might also do the same thing. im trying to tell myself to not think like that and have some hope but then i cant. i can not not think like that until im for sure that your feelings for me are the same and is not decreasing. i want it to increase.. not decrease. it sucks like crazy dude. last night i read your entry.. you dont know how much i couldnt stop smiling.. but then there was today. so what else am i supposed to think? all i gotta say is a huge "what the heck is going on". i want you to talk to me.. but it seems like you were lost there yourself too.. all im trying to say is.. "I WILL NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER LET YOU GO". hope that it's the same for you too. whatever is going on.. lets not just throw everything away, yeah?

-whew- i feel SO MUCH better saying all this..

You know better than anyone else of how i feel about you.

just keep that in mind budddy.

LOVE,

this chick right here <3

Thanks

Dear MushiMan,

Thanks. Thats all i gotta say. I dont know how to explain it but ill try my best to explain.. usually when im with a guy im stupid enough to start looking at the flaws of the guy and i only start looking at that and not look at the good things about him and also the good memories i had with him.. like i know you're not perfect; i am not even CLOSE to being perfect, you and i both have flaws, some flaws you had.. i would just look at it and i was gonna do the same thing to you the same thing i did to other guys, which is only looking at your flaws and move on by ditching you.. but thanks for continually making me feel loved whenever i feel like that in which it really makes me want to try harder to treat you and look at you much different than how i looked and treated to the past boyfriends i had. you constantly remind me and make me feel special in which it helps me SO MUCH to look over those flaws you have and only think about the fun and good memories we had made together. sometimes i do feel a little uncomfortable the fact about the age thing.. sometimes yeah you do act immature, but so do i xP its my fault that i look at that and kind of get turned off by it.. i promise ill look over it and not let that affect us, yeah ? :] i am not so sure if this makes any sense right now.. haha but still im giving it a shot xP

So today was a really WILD FRIKKEN DAY.. -whew-.. still a little speechless about that.. but seriously.. we cant go over the line. i really dont want to do something stupid.. or something you and i both will totally regret on.. yeah? i apologize if i gave you temptations.. i cant help it sometimes ya know? haha. that sounded really weird... =/ but yeah.. cant really explain how i feel but.. its a good thing. its more of.. CANT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED.. haha OH MY. lets take it slow babe. yeah? (: well ill write more later when i feel like it xP im hungry so...

BYE (:

LOVE,

This chick right here <3

oh boyy

Today i woke up pretty late.. around 2. i dont know why but i called him the moment i woke up. i guess it's becoming a habit now of thinking of him first whenever i wake up. dont really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing:P well. took a nice hot shower.. then went to borders right after. Today was supposed to be the day where i start my homework and continue on my week like that, but i guess its harder than i thought :/ im trying to focus on chemistry but my head is just out there right now -- urgh. i hate this sooo much. Now im like frustrated trying to find his own blogspot too.. frigggen stressin me out mang. hmm, i am in alot of pain right now: my right arm, hip tendon, and my ass. im clueless how i got all these places to be in pain. i think soon this week i might go to acupuncture if it gets worse. So today is day number FOUR. but technically.. TWENTY-EIGHT =) haha. hoping these numbers will continue on increasing non-stop, yeah ? =) I dont know, the more im with him the more i develop feelings, the more i get attached to him emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. is that good? he had a stomach ache and i rubbed him belly.. first it was over his sweater then under the sweater on top of his tshirt.. i didnt go to the point where it was just bare skin but honestly.. it was a huge temptation and i was like 'URGH'.. like thinking about it.. i dont want to lose anything. im risking so much even to this point right now.. i dont want to do something imma regret later on.. i dont want to give him too much or too little but at the same time i cant help it but to give what i got. im not saying im in love.. probably we're far from that. but i know that right now we're at a point where we both like each other alot and clearly enjoy being together, whether its as friends or as bf&gf type. yeah i know its stupid of me to always think about the future but at the same time its like what the hell you want me to do? friggen guys screwed me over and over again, so isnt it natural for me to think ahead if this is a guy i can see being with in the future? so far.. its a yes. hoping it wouldnt become a no.. but idk. if things happen.. then it happens ya know? i cant do anything about it. my mom tells me to not get too into him.. cause if i fall.. its gonna get really hard to get up again. yeah, ill trust her on this. imma not fall for him. or.. at least ill try not to. like i dont really know how to expain it.. but i like the way things are right now.. i really do. im not fighting with my parents.. im not lying to them.. not sneaking around with him.. things are going good. imma keep my fingers crossed that it will stay this way. well imma go now.. write more later if i feel like it =P

LATER ALLIGATOR.

From,

This chick right heree <3

AGAINandAGAIN

DEAR HUN,

hihi =) so.. im pretty sure the last time i posted an entry was on.. wednesday? haha. alot has happened since then huh? hm, well on the day of christmas you asked me out.. didnt really think you would but you did, and im happy that you did. even though right now its still a little blur for me to believe that i have a boyfriend, that you're my boyfriend. haha. well its nice that you are my boyfriend. you're a keeper, and im never going to let you go. never. ever. never =) dangg if i think about it this week we basically hung out everyday. im like starting to think when you're going to start getting sick of me -- haha. these past couple days.. i guess you can say that im like super speechless.. like in a good way. haha. gawsh im so blank.. cant believe i got egged -- stupid boys. i dont really know what to write about because im a little "high", hahaha justtt kidding. but seriously i cant focus right now. im like multitasking. eating, talking to you, ignoring your phone calls(; , listening to music. see how crazy my life is?! =P well.. i guess for now since i cant really focus imma sign off and write more tomorrow when im more focused:P

P.S. i like your sweater =)

Love, this chick right heree <3

hello there ~

This week was a pretty okay week i guess :P This past Saturday i had my first official "group date"; and literally it was a good date. i liked it alot actually =] the next day on Sunday was when i had to depart for "holding on" retreat of 2OO9, it was a good retreat. What i was looking for, my goal. i have reached it. it feels good. my biggest and hard decision i had to make was to let go of my past and forget about it. No matter how much i try to run away from it and not think about it; it continues on showing up. either i run away or that person does. but now.. im not going to be in this position. i have learned that no matter how hard i try it wont go away unless im the one who lets go first and forgive and forget. thats what im going to do. no longer will i have to suffer because of this. im going to be the bigger person and move on. i do not want my past to affect the present and also ruin my future. thats the worst that can happen right? This retreat was seriously good, i had a special time with God and learned so many new things about him and his love for me. he is my first love. well duh im talking about spiritually :P physically i do not have a first love so far. but im hoping soon, one day my first love will come. This retreat helped me learn to forgive, move on, and to also hold onto something that will be worth it. if something is not worth your own life, there is no point of wasting your whole entire life, right? I have bonded with so many people at this retreat. the conflicts and negativities i had with my brothers and sisters, i have resolved. no more hatred. no more pain. the only thing now i must suffer and go through is living my life as a christian, live it to the fullest and as best as i can.

No more talking about retreat, i am guessing this is more than enough that i have learned at the "holding on" retreat. hmm, i missed him =) literally every time there was a free time where i get to look outside of the window and stare at the clear sky with snow coming down, he was in my mind. i really do not know why but the thought of him was just there. im really glad that he's in my life right now. he is in a special place in my heart, whom i do care for very deeply. hoping our relationship will grow.. also im hoping his relationship with God will also grow. i do actually believe that if God is not in the middle of my relationship, it wouldnt work out. it always has been like that and always will be like that. so, i came home today, approximately about an hour ago. it was a long drive.. a long time thinking about him, day dreaming of me giving him the biggest hug when i see him. haha. while coming home i was hoping we could go to bomball and hang out for a little bit but then he is currently at the movies with his friends hanging out. its good that he's playing with his friends :P i dont want the relationship that will affect his friendships, i want both to work out. but since tomorrow is christmas eve.. i am totally hoping that we will be able to meet up tomorrow and hang out. i heard that usually on the day of the "eves" you're supposed to be with your love ones.. so i want to try it out this year, since i got a special present =) Well, i shall be going now. ill write more tomorrow, promise =)

Until next time..

Love, this chick right here <3

for my mushroom man =)

dear mushiman,

Hi, how are you feeling? i want to be honest, just because we havent talked all day long for some stupid reason im getting these really weird crazy ideas right now.. im hoping someone will call or tell me something that will fix my stupid little imagination =/ i guess im just a little worried because if we dont talk all day long then that will lead to another day and then another day and eventually you and i will stop talking. previously, a while back this occured to me and i guess i did get a little hurt by that. that guy promised me that he wouldnt just leave me or stop talking to me for no reason and he isnt like that.. i believed him but i shouldnt had. im really, sincerely hoping youre much different than that. besides.. youre too nice to do that right? .. apparently what happened between me and that guy was that when he "liked" me he also liked my close friend.. and he was flirting with her and etc behind my back. suddenly one day, he just STOPPED talking. ever since that day.. i called.. i texted..never gotten a reply. and that was the last time i heard from him. from that day on, i promised myself i will never ever believe those kind of shit and i will never be treated like that ever again. and even though you and i are "almost" together imma still keep that promise. so far i dont have a feeling that you're that type of guy but still, not only to you but for everyone else, i am no longer going to be treated like crap. im not going to let that happen. im hoping that youre just in bed knocked out cause your sick and not ignoring me at the moment or annoyed if worse. imma apologize if i am bothering you. im not like that, dont wanna be like those kind of girls who is like that. im a chill person, someone who is down for anything. im not the clingy type but sometimes i just cant help but not think about you or not care for you or not worry about you. its sorta like a bad habit but at the same time at least it shows that i have a heart and i actually have you in a special place in my heart. im crossing my fingers that you'll get better and ill see you walk down those halls with a smile on your face. im hoping for it. when i see you, i promised myself i will give you the biggest hug, because thats how much i worried over you and how much i missed you. yeah, i admit it. i miss you. i didnt realize that i missed you until last night but still i miss you. it has been what like 2 frikken LONG ASS days. so long that imma go crazy. i need to go out and have some fun. hoping you will come along too? (: but anyways, im excited for saturday and im totally hoping youll feel MUCHMUCH better. ill pray yeah? (: IMY, HYFB, SYL =)

Until next time,

Love, this chick right here <3