i usually dont really like giving up.. i know im a persever-er.. but why am i doing this? giving up this? i have no idea.. i have a gut feeling that this is not a place where i no longer want to be a part in.. from the stress i get from home to school..or in my daily life.. it effects me so much in either my physical, mental, or spirtual life. i dont really know what to say in some certain things.. today was the day when i have given up something i valued most.. well probably not most but something that was an important part of me. the fights i have had these past couple weeks, months, years; helped me realize so many things in life that im making a mistake upon. which of course, i must directly fix. that is why i have given up something so i can go and fix it. when im ready and back on track or where i want to be in, that is the time maybe when i will take action and do something with my abilities. i want to change. i want to be a different person, a better person, someone that is not me.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

the moment.

at times i catch myself right before im about to break something, thats how angry i am. when im angry i catch myself breathing really heavily, and my stomach is turning, feels as if someone is twisting it all around. lately i have been having some really big fights with my mom, which like always my dad sides with. everyone fckin says that all parents are like that, but why do i feel as if mine is so different from all the others ? because of these fights im having, not only am i falling away more and more from my faith but also i feel more of a burden on my shoulders as i am walking into church every week. i can feel the burden on me, im putting on a mask onto my face everytime i walk in. if i open up to someone, it will make me feel better but hurt the ones i have talked about. its hard to tell the difference of gossiping and talking. right at this moment my heart is beating 326423864283 times more faster, my stomach is turning from side to side, not being able to breath even right. thats how angry and sad i am. i dont want to cuss, but have the feeling of need to. i feel like im alone at this moment.. no matter how much i can talk thiss out, it still wouldnt get any better. i try so much to change this bad attitude of mine, but my parents still dont see that. they dont see me as a good person.. they dont see me as a perfect daughter of theirs.. they see me as a tool, they can throw away whenever they want, use me when they need me. well.. i guess im like that to them too right ? at times when im so mad, so sick of their voices i just want to scream at the top of my lungs telling them to shut the fck up. im sick of always being pressured by them, just because im not a perfect christian nor a perfect daughter, does not mean that other children are better than i am. every child has some beef with their parents, did they know little of that ? are they still blind to see what have become of both their teen children. they have pressured us so much that we dont even know the truth anylonger. we dont know what is the meaning of love. we see it, but we dont feel it most of the time. 'family' is no longer in our vocabulary. it is long gone now. so far away you can even see it in the midst of air. writing this is some what helping me i guess. i want to sream, to do SOMETHING to get my mind off of this piece of crap. dont get me wrong, i love my parents.. they just pressured me so much ever since i was little i couldnt even say anything, it just corrupted me. i dont even know the truth anymoree.. nor the world.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

i am finally done with my finals ! whooo hoo! my first finals was a blast :) so heres the news, 1st period i got an- A,2nd period-A, 3rd period-C :(, 4th period-B, 5th period-B, & 6th period-A ! :D i was so glad my finals turned out to be amazingly great <3

So the story of my life so far, is that i often fight with my mom. also i feel alot more distant with people, and its hard trying to get back on track with them. well even though this is a short entry, ill be back later on the week :)

ps. NO SCHOOL !
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

my heart is acheing so much in so many ways. today im deciding on attending the Kiwins dance.. i was soooo excited about it, and i am still but im also hurt. i got a call from my mom, she was soo PISSED. like PISSEDPISSED. she saw the other praise team members practicing for tonights worship, i guess she really got hurt by that.. seeing her daughter not being responsible and just going off to dances and not going to church becaus i dont feel like it. its not that, of course i lovelovelove going to church and worshiping.. but iwanted to dance tonight.. i guess my mom and i hung up the phone in a total bad way.. so i called her back. i really dont want my mom to get hurt because i've made a mistake. if shes always forcing me to go to church and all how will i ever know the truth? throughout my mistakes i know it will be worth it at the end, because of me having the knowledge to change. i really hated that i am disappointing my mom.. but ithink she should try to let me be and all.. let me have some freedom? so in the end.. i can learn.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

The Day=/

Today was seriously BORING =P but at least i got most of my homework done which sort of in a way makes me feel accomplished :d and OHHH. i finally watched the drama 'Stairway to heaven' like ALL OVER AGAIN. it did take alot of my time, but yeah i was totally worth it =D haha. now im in like LOVE with that guy x) haha. everytime i look at him probably ill be all drooling over him x)haa. well school's tomorrow, BUT at least i wouldnt have to sit at home doing nothing for a whole entire another day, which is so AWESOME. haha. awww crappy doodle =______= finals are next week ;O uh oh. i guess i have to put on my studying cap on ;P well until then..
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

OUCH.

ouch, my heart hurts =P the past two days i've been watching the famous "stairway to heaven" for the second time, and yeah its pretty awesome. after watching it i was SUPER NICE to my dad x) hahaa. but i dont know, i like the title because it just makes me re-think about the things in my life that could just disappear if i died this instance, my question would be though 'where would i go afterwards?', i try to understand about the whole christianity thing and try to keep on seeking for God but it always seems to come back to me. i really cant understand why or how i would be able to actually feel his presence instead of just believing that he is there. i dont even know why im so stubborn and not just believe the truth trying to extend everything. i know my answer is RIGHT THERE in front of my frikken face, but why cant i see it still? why am i constantly struggling? if i died right now, why would i be so scared? im scared of not knowing the truth, im scared of not being able to be with those i want to be with, i scared to face whats reality and whats not, im scared that i would not be accepted. thats what im scared of. im not scared of losing my life here, i scared where ill go afterwards. will i get into heaven, or will i burn in hell for eternity? whats next? i dont know that answer to that. but i hope as day by day i will read the bible, and hopefully get the answer im looking for in there.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

..along with everything..

Along with everything im struggling through, more has been added to that collection ;P while walking home, i was having a really depressing conversation with one of my guy friends/church member. i felt so relieved at the end because i thought i was holding in all that pain bottled up without saying anything to anyone about it. all this time i have just sat around, crying over it, causing more pain within myself. as day by day passes by, the more and more i realize about the world. not my world, THE WORLD. I seriously have no idea the hell why i always feel like this? i really want a day when im STRAIGHT up happy, not straight up sad. When i walk down the halls at school and have a smile on my face, i feel like im covering everything up just with a stupid SMILE. I want to show people how i really feel, but it'll hurt me 10x more if i hurt them.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-