to my mushroom man,

Dear hun,

I like that im writing this in secret and probably you will never read this in a million years. I just thought that if i wrote the stuff down here it will help me to get a better look at how i feel about you. We met this year, there was a pause between us for a couple months because you already had someone and there was just someone who was holding us back. until exactly two weeks ago you and i were total strangers. thankfully you and i started talking because of a certain reason & im glad we did. i swear i never everrrr spent that much time straight with one guy, in which this is showing youre a pretty special. That first night, i guess i can say that it was the 'ice-breaker', i thought you were some guy who was shy and didnt have the guts to talk or you were someone who just didnt like me, but after that night it changed my whole entire perspective of you. Youre literally someone who is different and who surprises me daily for this past two weeks. These two weeks went by slow but yet fast at the same time. Whenever im with you time flies by so fast i sometimes wish that the day will go longer.. but the way we're together feels like ive been buddies with you for years. i gotta admit, you and i got close pretty fast (; haha, even after those first ghetto dates at panda and whatnot im caring about you more and more. i am gonna totally say that im into you, and you know that. At this moment you're home right now sick, probably with the stomach flu.. hope it isnt sometime more serious. Last night was my first time webcamming with you and it was pretty fun x) whenever we talk.. i like it. no, i love it. i like being with you and you know that. i enjoy hanging with you but sometimes im worried that you get sick of me. you're slowly learning to talk very 'slick' wise on aim and def, in person but on the phone.. EHHH... haha. the moments i love the most is when you take the charge. you do what you want to do, i like that. i like it when you grab and tell me to get to class.. i like it when you push me away telling me not to do something stupid. i like the conversations we have, i enjoy it very much. i really dont know why but im so stupidly worried about you right now. you may be too popular for me (; and also of course im super sad and worried about your health. hope you feel better yeah? so far this is what is in my mind and something definetely i want to tell you but for now.. its a nice little secret =)

Ill update again hun <3

Love, this chick right heree.

DUHR

its weird that i only log onto blogger on certain times. hmm, shall i say that life is a little bit too over whelming for me ? this week was a little better than last week, but my goal of to not cuss has a little bit worsened. my attitude for other people and how i view them has changed. this week people have either gained or lost my respect. the feelings i had for this one guy has now disappeared and went to the point where i dont give a crap if he notices me or not, but my attention has now moved towards this one guy who already has a girlfriend but i need to refrain myself and start to learn to not care and not get so caught up with all this.. this week every night i read a chapter from the book of matthew, it sort of helped but at the same time the next day i would totally forget about it. My main focus for this week was my future. im scared for my future. literally every single day i would think about my future perfect guy. i just get a feeling that that perfect guy is not really real. and that scares me. i want to believe that God does have some huge plan for me and is really preparing the time for my perfect guy and i to meet but i dont know how to truly really believe that. also the things that has been alot in my mind is money. i want to buy this and that but i cant, i no longer have the money to do that. just now me and my dad had a fight because i was too lazy and didnt want to go out f the house to get the laudry because i look like crap and my dad ended up getting angry and assuming i just dont care about the family and all that. but thats definetly not true, but i cant blame him for thinking like that since i sometime do treat the family as if i really dont care. :/ sucks. So tomorrow night is homecoming night and for this year i am not going. i really want to go out with friends instead on tomorrow night but it seems like everyone is practically occupied tomorrow night, so i guess i have to just sit at home and watch some borrowed movies all by myself. one interesting fact i learned today, this little freshman in my chemistry class in which i first had an interest in but just didnt care later on , found out that he and his girl broke up. so me and reena are thinking and deciding upon becoming a pedophile or not :D haha. today was a pretty okay day i guess, until my dad just bought up the fight in which halfway im annoyed and angry about but at the same time i feel bad. what shall i do ?

나는 이제 이것들 하기 싫어. 내 마음을 너무 부드러워서 쉽게 누구 한태 또 빠쪘다 .
나 바보지? 친구들이 항상 나한테 경고를 말했었는데 왜 게속 내가 고집 하냐? 아이구..
너무 복잡하다.. 힘들고; 마음도 아프고. 왜 착한 남자들이 없어 조이스.. 그런데 왜 내가
남자 친구를 갇고 싶지? 내가 외려워서?.. 사랑을 받고 싶어서?,, 아이씨..몰아 !

careless.

Sitting here at home in my room on my laptop while listening to music and just in deep thought makes things so clear.. dont get me wrong.. im not saying that i have all the answers to my problems or hardships right now.. but it seems SO CLEAR. Just thinking about another year beginning.. as im now going to be a sophomore i want to make some changes. i want to set some "rules" within myself as you can say. Thinking about what others think about me- i want that gone. i want to give up on trying to find people to love me- i want this to just come and find me now.. its burdensome to go out and try to find love, ive learned and realized that love should come and find you. im tired of constantly being in complicated situations over and over again. i want to learn to especially be myself. if someone doesnt like me; screw them. its not like im going to die without them. once school starts imma walk down the halls with my head up. no one should look down at me. just because i curse or do some things in a certain doesnt or ever shouldnt define my beliefs. i believe in God.. even though its tiring and hard to understand. even its hard for me to just frikken pray. isnt that funny ? when im praying.. as i was praying .. just looking up at the ceiling while i was laying down.. i felt and told God that i feel like im talking to myself like an idiot. i dont know where i exactly stand right now. my parents used a large amount of money sending me halfway the united states to just learn about certain things about God and christianity. i guess it really is hard to not judge someone.. to really not look down at someone.. i understand how people would look at me. i used to be on the praise team as a vocalist.. thinking about it makes me feel disgusted. i feel fake.. i dont want to walk down the halls at church. i dont want to feel the guilt over and over and over again as i sit in that worship room. God.. please show me that youre worth it.. that you're real.. that you really are right next to me walking with me through all this. im afraid that this curiousity.. this confusement i have right now will keep on following me for the rest of my life. if you're real.. if the last day; judgement day does exist.. im hella scared that when i stand before you, you'll show me the real me. i sometimes dont even know who i am or what the hell im doing here. even when im by myself in my room with no one else around i even end up fooling myself at the end of the day. i dont want to. i even want to be real with myself and stop fooling myself and everyone around me. im scared out of my mind that satan will get me.. that he has already gotten me. i need you to comfort me.. i want to learn to lean on you, trust you.. and really believe that you're the only one that can fill that loneliness and emptiness i have in my heart.i want to live my life onwards happily, peacefully. will you help me? can you just send me some angel to really fill my needs? just watching my dad doing just simple stuff like buying me and becky some mcdonalds.. i feel sorry for him., i wish i could be a better daughter.. but i dont know how. i dont want these thoughts to just go away by a day or a week. i want to help and i want to stop being selfish. Church is sometimes so hard to handle.. and also friennds and family. i honestly DONT GIVE A FUCK about if i have alot of friends or not. i just dont want to be around people any longer who is gonna lie to me up on my face because im tired of that. i hate liars and i hate lying. im not a liar.. i want to be a good friend to someone.. i hope all these wishes and thoughts i have will come true one day.. imma try to keep on hoping and keep my fingers crossed for this to happen.

"ambivalence"

The first thing i want to write is that i feel so "off-balanced"..i was walking home today from carl's jr.. sometimes when im with these "friends" im not even sure if they're friends or not. when i was walking there i was thinking in my head "why the hell am i here with them, they probably don't like me, well they sure dont treat me like they like me.." this is full of crap. im in crap right now. i have feelings for this one guy who lives in texas not even knowing if he's two-timing me, he texts my friend first and doesnt contact me at all.. what the hell is going through his mind huh? and now theres a guy whom im really close with and also care alot about. we're only "friends with benefits" but i sometimes think about if maybe we can be a little more than that.. i hook up with him then he doesnt talk to me ever since.. is he disappointed? why isnt he calling back or texting back? what's going on? same thing for the texas guy, why isnt he texting me or calling me back? after i heard about that theres a possibility that he has a secret girlfriend i dont know if i should be trusting him or not. thinking about it.. why do i even want a guy?whats the point? the question runs through my head over and over again .. why do i want a guy to be beside me..whywhywhy. whats the frikken damn point. i frikken hate confusing myself over and over again. honestly, yes im lonely. i have low self esteem thats why when i think that i dont have a guy beside me is because im not pretty enough or good enough for anyone. im falling away from God so much, i live my every day life like i dont even believe in God which makes me question if God is real and if he really is in my heart. im confused like fuck. i fuckin hate this ! im head is spinning. im tired of trying to get approval from others. i want to be myself without having the thought of what others think about me. embarrassment is something i cannot deal with, and also the thought or knowledge of others talking shit about me behind my back.. i want to BE MYSELF. not the person hiding myself pretending im okay and all when im not. im aboout to go crazy i swear. i want to scream on top of my lungs right now. i want to just go out and run around the block until i faint. that feeling of freedom.. the wind blowing onto my face.. thats what i want right now. i want the cold feeling right now. this moment i want to just do that. i want to cry i fckin damn heart out. im so confused.. lonely..tired and i want to feel loved. i lack that in so much ways. i want to cry; i have to be strong. i cant break down right now..i dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone worried.. i want to be left alone. no one bothering me.. but yet i want to be comforted, but yet i dont want to make it like i want attention. im tired of always hearing that. cant i just be sad? isnt that normal? no one should be saying that i want attention thats why im crying or sad.. i just WANT TO FUCKING CRY MY HEART OUT ! IS THAT SOMETHING WRONG ?! fuck my life.. im tired of this.. im tired of EVERYTHING.

SO UHM YEAH.

Lately i think i have been so blessed ;d in school wise my grades are like the best it has ever been (does that even make any sense o_o) haha whatever. Family wise, me and my mom barely even fight anymore so thats a two thumbs up! and my brother has been home alot now so thats a two thumbs up too :D also i submitted an application for ihop in kansas for the summer and i found out today that i got accepted ;) nowadays im really excited for my future, i figured out my goal and what i want to be when i grow up, which college im aiming for, or even what kind of life style i want to live ;P its all fast but isnt it still good to plans things ahead f time? ;P well imma go and sleep so ill write more later i guess ;O
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

so.. i wasnt supposed to check facebook,myspace,or go on aim for the next two weeks ;P why you ask? it was because i promised someone i would give it up and for the next two weeks imma read the bible and sort of 'meditate' on God's words. but its so amazing weird.. this whole week i hadnt had a single fight with my mom or my dad.. and this is the week i read the bible and prayed more.. hmm.. haha (: well im not online to chat and all this is a online journal thing so its okay i guess right? >.< well im doing alright at school and im hoping that this summer i can have the chance to go study somewhere abroad :D haha. plus im having new goals to reach and im trying here so help ! blechhh..-0-
-JoyceEbenezerChang-