headache.

My last post was nearly 2 months ago. Alot of things happened between these two months as you can say. As of right now,my head it pounding like super crazy since i have been quite sick lately with a cold which feels like death. Yuki is also at home resting, I couldn't contact him at all today and last night, assuming that he's at home resting and feeling the same or worse than me. It sucks that today I couldn't see him at school or even afterschool since it is a Monday. Literally I am totally ready to move in with him so there will no longer be any goodbyes. But sadly, there must be for the following years. Many things occured, the main things were: my sweet sixteen, how my feelings grew so much for him, an eye opening moment. All these things I think i should write more into depth later but right now I'm too sick to even type a freakin entry. Many things are in my mind, but by tomorrow I'm hoping I will forget all about it. Good night ~

All because of me.

Time to vent. Theres a reason of why this posting title is called "all because of me", i cannot help but to blame myself for everything that has happened to me in my life. Looking at the mirror, those pictures of myself in my childhood just saddens me because i do not know what happened to me. Who am I ? Why did i become like this? .. Why can't i love myself? Why can't I just accept everything and move on instead of thinking about everything in the past and bring myself down more? I just came back from Yuki's house, hanging out with Yuki and Paul, I don't know when the moment I started thinking and becoming depressed but probably it was the moment when Paul couldn't tell me about what is going on because he doesn't really trust me, I look like someone who has a big mouth. Yes, it's true. I accept that fact. If i heard that statement over and over again for how many years, I guess this is true. I need someone right now but I can't tell anyone because then that would be proving that statement is once again true. I want to vent, maybe that is the problem. Maybe I really do have a big mouth. I should accept that right? I should just learn to suck everything up and not say anything to anyone especially to Yuki right? I want to tell Yuki so badly, I want to tell Eunice so badly, I want to tell JeeSun so badly. But I can't. I should just keep this bad mouth shut. Not say a word. Just vent everything on here right? I should right? I really wish that Angela would have never told me any of those stuff of how people talk so much shit behind my back and I am so stupid enough that I don't even realize it. I have opened up to so much people and I guess this is them saying of how much they appreciate it. I hate it. I hate friends. I hate life. It's so fucken hard. I don't know why I can't live one day without thinking if that friend or that friend is talking shit behind my back or not. It hurts so much. I'm so insecure about myself that I sometimes still think to this day that I'm not good enough for Yuki, Jee Sun, mom or dad, everyone. If people doesn't trust me, then I guess I can't even trust myself, I thought all this time that I was a good friend who's always there for friends, but now I understand why I'm not really there for alot of people. It's because they don't trust me, they don't want to come to me and talk to me because I'm Joyce. Yes, I'm the Joyce who made all those mistakes, those rumors you heard about a girl name Joyce that girl is probably me and probably those rumors are true. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to open up to anyone anymore, it hurts too much. I want to keep everything inside and not tell anyone anything. That should be the solution to all this right? I'm so scared that people who I open up to will one sudden moment turn their backs on me and leave me. For those who I hurt, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, honestly. I want to change, and I will. I'll stop talking and being a big mouth . I'll tighten up my mouth to not spread anything. I promise. If I break this promise, I do not know myself.

I can't do this, i really can't. So many things have gone wrong within such a short period of time. i hate this. Looking at my past and what has happened, it's all my fault. I try to tell the truth of how things happened, but they don't believe me, they never will. I try to be honest and faithful but that doesnt work. I wanna be the best but that's impossible. I try to hold back the tears but they can no longer hold back. I don't know what this life has to give me. I'm in so much pain and no one knows. I can't tell. I can't let anyone know how I really feel. I have to suck it all up and just move on.. hoping it will all just go away. I'm bawling my eyes out right now cause I can't hold it in. I want to call him but I don't want to worry him or cause any more trouble. I put on a smile to pretend it's all okay, when nothing is. My relationship with him is too precious for me to mess up and end up losing, I can't let that happen. I hate myself, it's hard to love myself. I don't know how to forgive myself. I want to talk but no words come out.. why is everything like this? Of course I made mistakes and it is my fault.. I know.. I try to let them know that it is like that.. in their own minds its the thought of me telling everyone a some sort of a propagandist story.. I'm the good one and they're the bad ones.. not true. I'm the bad one and they're the good ones. I made way too many mistakes to be considered good. I constantly try not to disappoint them but always end up disappointing them. I'm afraid to tell him everything of what is going on in this house; I can't make him worried.. I'm too afraid that he'll know I'm someone who can't even love my ownself.. i don't want him to leave me.. but then.. yet, I dont want to bring him into this life I have where problems will come, maybe I should let him go to get him in a safe place, somewhere where no one can hurt him, but at the same time I can't let go of him. I don't know what I will do without him, I really don't. He is the only one who cares and loves me for me.. how is that possible? Is that possible? .. I wish my family was like that. Why can't they love me for me? Why can't they see that I'm trying here? I know I lied to them.. but isn't it understandable? They're not accepting the fact that this is the real deal, if I don't lie then I can't be with him. He is the only one I want to be with. He is the only reason I want to change and become a better person. He gives me a bigger motivation. I want to forgive and forget.. especially of myself. I want to stop thinking of myself as a monster, someone or something that is inhumane . All of this pulled me away from God so much, I finally had the guts to tell her straight up to stop teaching, she's a hypocrite. How can she teach other girls that are my age this and that while back at home it is all the total opposite to me? She tells them to love and not hate, but what the hell is she doing at home? Once again she tells me im far off from even being a normal kid. She regrets us meeting. She wants that perfect daughter and I'm sorry that I fucked up my life so much it is impossible. She nags and brags about how my brother and I never make our parents proud, something they can nag to grandparents and friends at church.. I've tried and am trying so hard to make something that will make them at least proud of at least one thing. My life is so bad, I need to fix it. This is my life, no one else's. I'm gonna protect it on my own, I don't need anyone else.

got lots to say in such a limited time.

Dear boyfriend,

It has already been 3 1/2 months ever since you and I started. That day, that moment is when all of my happiness started. You entered my life in the most weirdest but yet cutest way as possible. It was bad timing because of things that was happening in my family but then yet you and I got through it together which is a huge deal for me. Just a moment ago I was re-reading the old posts I had written for you, I have got to say; my feelings DEFINITELY grew so much for you. Even though I have made some mistakes towards you, you still love me the same as much as you did before or you love me even more, that makes me feel so grateful I do not even know how I will ever be able to repay all that love back. You give me so much love that I can't even hold my hands still when I'm typing, and my fingers are shaking. Whenever I think about you, I just want to put you in my pocket and keep you forever. But sadly, that is not possible. But it is possible to keep you in my heart forever right? It's nice to know that you love me for me, just wanting to let you know that i for sure so love you for you. You have changed my life so much. Just being with you wants me to have a bigger motivation of becoming a better person, you make me think twice as more than i usually do. I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of you but it always turns out of me making a fool out of myself. I try to be that perfect person, but im so imperfect, so far from ever being perfect. I try to be the best girl friend, or even a friend to you but I know i lack something somewhere and will make a mistake to you, or even hurt you one day and I'm sorry. All these things I'm writing would probably make no sense to you at all but I'm just jotting things down as they come up into the front of my mind. Continuing on with want I wanted to say.. alot things has changed and has occured within these 3 and a half months. Lots of shit happened, but then lots of GOOD things happened. Right now, recapping on all of the good memories we have made together just makes me so happy right now. After all these years of pain and suffering all by myself, it feels so wonderful to know what really happiness is. I don't want anything from you, I don't expect anything from you. All I want is to be with you and only you. I don't love you because you're this or that, I love you for you. You, yourself is such a huge blessing to me. I really do not understand those girls in the past where they "dumped" you, seriously they must have been blind or really retarded. One day when I become a physician assistant, I swear I will hunt those girls down and do a mental or physical check up on them :P But you know what? I'm actually glad those things happened, in which you turned out to be single which caused us to be together. Thinking about the future (in which i really shouldn't be doing) makes me excited for what is about to come. It has been 3 1/2 months, but I am excited to say one day " it has been 3 1/2 years and we're still going" (: Since in the most recent post you have put up, you have listed why you love me, why can i not do that too? Want to know a tiny bit of why I love you? (:

ilove your comfort

ilove the safety feeling i get when i'm around you

ilove that you're naturally intelligent

ilove your height

ilove your ethnicity

ilove your sort of mysterious side

ilove your "manliness" (;

ilove your beautiful handsome face

ilove your flaws

ilove your voice

ilove your corniness

ilove that you care about me

ilove that you would tell me things you would never tell others about

ilove that you're my best friend

ilove that you listen when I want to vent

ilove that you make me feel like it's okay to cry

ilove that you remind me of what i'm here for everyday

ilove your gentleness

ilove that youre athletic

ilove that we laugh together about the most stupidest things

ilove the moments we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt

ilove your cuteness

ilove the way you act, of how proud you are when you unclog a toilet

ilove watching a movie or show with you, feeling like i'm living with you

ilove that you're still committed to be with me after all those crazy things

ilove that you love me and only me

ilove that you have such an honest and sincere heart.

ilove that you're like a fallen angel to me

ilove that you're YUKI and ONLY YUKI.

YOU ARE THE ONE AND ONLY YUKI NAKA I LOVE, NO ONE ELSE.

GOT THAT? MY FEELINGS FOR YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE. DON'T EVER FORGET THAT YUKI .

I'm not really sure if i made any sense within this whole entire entry but yeah, hope you got a little taste of my feelings (; love you yuki <3

사랑해 유키, 너무 많이 사랑해.

yuki o ai shite imasu

I LOVE YOU.

love, your one and only girlfriend (:

shitholee

Dear M.M.,

I dont even know where to start. Too many things to vent about. way too many things in my mind. Last night was pretty hard on me.. thats the best way i think i can put it. I know im a tough girl.. im not going to lie.. i admit that i did make alot of mistakes but that doesnt mean i have a problem. my parents say way too many things that make me actually believe them. i question myself, why cant they be more loving? ... after all the shit i have gone through, why cant they comfort me the way i want them to after i have gone through all this? i wish .. they would leave me alone. they ask me if i wouldnt mind them just moving somewhere else after my brother graduates, hell nawh. i would LOVE FOR THEM TO MOVE. they ask me how can i love someone else when i cant love my own family? i actually can. all they did for me all this time is make more and more cuts in my heart.. i want it to heal. they won't let it. my parents arent the only reasons.. my brother just causes major shit in my life. im not really sure if any of this makes any sense. maybe i feel like this because so many shit is happening all at the same time. what i just dont understand is why my mom cant just LET GO. she wont let go of anything that happened in the past dammit. when she tells me that she wants the best for me, what the hell is with all the comments and things she says about me that hurts me? calling me cheap? what the fuck. calling me a cougar? what the fuck. calling you and comparing you to my little baby cousin? thats a hell no. What i am curious more about is.. is this all real ? .. is this worth it ? i dont really know how to explain it but .. like the best way i can put it is; is this real? I know i really shouldnt even be thinking about the future or anything like that. but the things im just dealing with i feel like i have no other way but to think about it. i dont want to look back one day and regret going through all this shit and regret it cause it was all for nothing. you feeling me? :P (ghetto talk) like my concern is our relationship.. is there a high possibility of going far? or is it one of those high school couples where in the end we will separate and go our own directions? .. i dont know. these things just remain in my mind. im really hoping the things my mom said about you are all wrong. since you always prove me wrong, im hoping you will always prove my mom wrong. Talking to you as of right now.. idk.. comforts me alot. it makes me forget about all the shit that is happening at this moment. i can feel the tension. the hatred between my parents and i. You know how i feel about you. This is not a game that im playing. i play silly little games.. but this is way to serious for me to play. So the things that are happening right now, my parents think that i have broken up with you.. my phone(boyfriend #2) is no longer with me.. for a while at least.. i dont think i can go out.. and we must stay on the d.l. which means.. you MUST GO ONLINE MORE OFTEN ! xP and i shall be writing on here daily so i can VENT ALL THIS SHIT OUT. if my parents move away.. that would be the happiest moment for me. not that im saying i NEVER want to see them again.. but then.. i just want my space. im not a little girl anymore.. im not going to do something im going to regret. that is not gonna happen, i WONT let it happen. screw this. im done. ill write more later.

You know im almost in love with you right? (:

Love,

This chick right here

no comment..

Dear MushiMan,

Hi. Want to start off with a sorry :/ i dont know why but youre the first guy whom i always feel stupid if i got you upset.. usually i dont really care what i do or say around the guy i like but for you.. i try to be my best? yeah i know.. youre probably thinking like "PSSHHH, NAW" but yeah.. whenever i got you upset i beat myself up for doing that and i feel SO dumb for doing that to you.. the past two days it was pretty crazy and hectic but yet at the same time it showed how i really felt about you. i now have a for sure feeling that i like you alot.. uhmm.. maybe on its way of falling for you?.. i dont know if any of this is making any sense or not. so i apologize for everything that i did that made you feel in any negativity way.

Today is new years.. thought that it will be a good day, but.. in the first couple hours i already messed yours up.. im sorry again T_T.. when i met you later on today i thought things were okay but i had this feeling that something was not right.. that maybe you're not feeling okay right now.. i asked you.. and all i constantly got was a "i dont know".. that scared me every single time you said that. i asked you if you lost feelings for me.. i got a silence from you. that scared me more. you, not saying anything.. even to that question really scared me. i guess it really is true that one day a guy will be crazy for you.. but the next.. it'll be gone. this happened numerous times.. im scared you might also do the same thing. im trying to tell myself to not think like that and have some hope but then i cant. i can not not think like that until im for sure that your feelings for me are the same and is not decreasing. i want it to increase.. not decrease. it sucks like crazy dude. last night i read your entry.. you dont know how much i couldnt stop smiling.. but then there was today. so what else am i supposed to think? all i gotta say is a huge "what the heck is going on". i want you to talk to me.. but it seems like you were lost there yourself too.. all im trying to say is.. "I WILL NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER EVER LET YOU GO". hope that it's the same for you too. whatever is going on.. lets not just throw everything away, yeah?

-whew- i feel SO MUCH better saying all this..

You know better than anyone else of how i feel about you.

just keep that in mind budddy.

LOVE,

this chick right here <3

Thanks

Dear MushiMan,

Thanks. Thats all i gotta say. I dont know how to explain it but ill try my best to explain.. usually when im with a guy im stupid enough to start looking at the flaws of the guy and i only start looking at that and not look at the good things about him and also the good memories i had with him.. like i know you're not perfect; i am not even CLOSE to being perfect, you and i both have flaws, some flaws you had.. i would just look at it and i was gonna do the same thing to you the same thing i did to other guys, which is only looking at your flaws and move on by ditching you.. but thanks for continually making me feel loved whenever i feel like that in which it really makes me want to try harder to treat you and look at you much different than how i looked and treated to the past boyfriends i had. you constantly remind me and make me feel special in which it helps me SO MUCH to look over those flaws you have and only think about the fun and good memories we had made together. sometimes i do feel a little uncomfortable the fact about the age thing.. sometimes yeah you do act immature, but so do i xP its my fault that i look at that and kind of get turned off by it.. i promise ill look over it and not let that affect us, yeah ? :] i am not so sure if this makes any sense right now.. haha but still im giving it a shot xP

So today was a really WILD FRIKKEN DAY.. -whew-.. still a little speechless about that.. but seriously.. we cant go over the line. i really dont want to do something stupid.. or something you and i both will totally regret on.. yeah? i apologize if i gave you temptations.. i cant help it sometimes ya know? haha. that sounded really weird... =/ but yeah.. cant really explain how i feel but.. its a good thing. its more of.. CANT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED.. haha OH MY. lets take it slow babe. yeah? (: well ill write more later when i feel like it xP im hungry so...

BYE (:

LOVE,

This chick right here <3

oh boyy

Today i woke up pretty late.. around 2. i dont know why but i called him the moment i woke up. i guess it's becoming a habit now of thinking of him first whenever i wake up. dont really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing:P well. took a nice hot shower.. then went to borders right after. Today was supposed to be the day where i start my homework and continue on my week like that, but i guess its harder than i thought :/ im trying to focus on chemistry but my head is just out there right now -- urgh. i hate this sooo much. Now im like frustrated trying to find his own blogspot too.. frigggen stressin me out mang. hmm, i am in alot of pain right now: my right arm, hip tendon, and my ass. im clueless how i got all these places to be in pain. i think soon this week i might go to acupuncture if it gets worse. So today is day number FOUR. but technically.. TWENTY-EIGHT =) haha. hoping these numbers will continue on increasing non-stop, yeah ? =) I dont know, the more im with him the more i develop feelings, the more i get attached to him emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. is that good? he had a stomach ache and i rubbed him belly.. first it was over his sweater then under the sweater on top of his tshirt.. i didnt go to the point where it was just bare skin but honestly.. it was a huge temptation and i was like 'URGH'.. like thinking about it.. i dont want to lose anything. im risking so much even to this point right now.. i dont want to do something imma regret later on.. i dont want to give him too much or too little but at the same time i cant help it but to give what i got. im not saying im in love.. probably we're far from that. but i know that right now we're at a point where we both like each other alot and clearly enjoy being together, whether its as friends or as bf&gf type. yeah i know its stupid of me to always think about the future but at the same time its like what the hell you want me to do? friggen guys screwed me over and over again, so isnt it natural for me to think ahead if this is a guy i can see being with in the future? so far.. its a yes. hoping it wouldnt become a no.. but idk. if things happen.. then it happens ya know? i cant do anything about it. my mom tells me to not get too into him.. cause if i fall.. its gonna get really hard to get up again. yeah, ill trust her on this. imma not fall for him. or.. at least ill try not to. like i dont really know how to expain it.. but i like the way things are right now.. i really do. im not fighting with my parents.. im not lying to them.. not sneaking around with him.. things are going good. imma keep my fingers crossed that it will stay this way. well imma go now.. write more later if i feel like it =P

LATER ALLIGATOR.

From,

This chick right heree <3

AGAINandAGAIN

DEAR HUN,

hihi =) so.. im pretty sure the last time i posted an entry was on.. wednesday? haha. alot has happened since then huh? hm, well on the day of christmas you asked me out.. didnt really think you would but you did, and im happy that you did. even though right now its still a little blur for me to believe that i have a boyfriend, that you're my boyfriend. haha. well its nice that you are my boyfriend. you're a keeper, and im never going to let you go. never. ever. never =) dangg if i think about it this week we basically hung out everyday. im like starting to think when you're going to start getting sick of me -- haha. these past couple days.. i guess you can say that im like super speechless.. like in a good way. haha. gawsh im so blank.. cant believe i got egged -- stupid boys. i dont really know what to write about because im a little "high", hahaha justtt kidding. but seriously i cant focus right now. im like multitasking. eating, talking to you, ignoring your phone calls(; , listening to music. see how crazy my life is?! =P well.. i guess for now since i cant really focus imma sign off and write more tomorrow when im more focused:P

P.S. i like your sweater =)

Love, this chick right heree <3

hello there ~

This week was a pretty okay week i guess :P This past Saturday i had my first official "group date"; and literally it was a good date. i liked it alot actually =] the next day on Sunday was when i had to depart for "holding on" retreat of 2OO9, it was a good retreat. What i was looking for, my goal. i have reached it. it feels good. my biggest and hard decision i had to make was to let go of my past and forget about it. No matter how much i try to run away from it and not think about it; it continues on showing up. either i run away or that person does. but now.. im not going to be in this position. i have learned that no matter how hard i try it wont go away unless im the one who lets go first and forgive and forget. thats what im going to do. no longer will i have to suffer because of this. im going to be the bigger person and move on. i do not want my past to affect the present and also ruin my future. thats the worst that can happen right? This retreat was seriously good, i had a special time with God and learned so many new things about him and his love for me. he is my first love. well duh im talking about spiritually :P physically i do not have a first love so far. but im hoping soon, one day my first love will come. This retreat helped me learn to forgive, move on, and to also hold onto something that will be worth it. if something is not worth your own life, there is no point of wasting your whole entire life, right? I have bonded with so many people at this retreat. the conflicts and negativities i had with my brothers and sisters, i have resolved. no more hatred. no more pain. the only thing now i must suffer and go through is living my life as a christian, live it to the fullest and as best as i can.

No more talking about retreat, i am guessing this is more than enough that i have learned at the "holding on" retreat. hmm, i missed him =) literally every time there was a free time where i get to look outside of the window and stare at the clear sky with snow coming down, he was in my mind. i really do not know why but the thought of him was just there. im really glad that he's in my life right now. he is in a special place in my heart, whom i do care for very deeply. hoping our relationship will grow.. also im hoping his relationship with God will also grow. i do actually believe that if God is not in the middle of my relationship, it wouldnt work out. it always has been like that and always will be like that. so, i came home today, approximately about an hour ago. it was a long drive.. a long time thinking about him, day dreaming of me giving him the biggest hug when i see him. haha. while coming home i was hoping we could go to bomball and hang out for a little bit but then he is currently at the movies with his friends hanging out. its good that he's playing with his friends :P i dont want the relationship that will affect his friendships, i want both to work out. but since tomorrow is christmas eve.. i am totally hoping that we will be able to meet up tomorrow and hang out. i heard that usually on the day of the "eves" you're supposed to be with your love ones.. so i want to try it out this year, since i got a special present =) Well, i shall be going now. ill write more tomorrow, promise =)

Until next time..

Love, this chick right here <3

for my mushroom man =)

dear mushiman,

Hi, how are you feeling? i want to be honest, just because we havent talked all day long for some stupid reason im getting these really weird crazy ideas right now.. im hoping someone will call or tell me something that will fix my stupid little imagination =/ i guess im just a little worried because if we dont talk all day long then that will lead to another day and then another day and eventually you and i will stop talking. previously, a while back this occured to me and i guess i did get a little hurt by that. that guy promised me that he wouldnt just leave me or stop talking to me for no reason and he isnt like that.. i believed him but i shouldnt had. im really, sincerely hoping youre much different than that. besides.. youre too nice to do that right? .. apparently what happened between me and that guy was that when he "liked" me he also liked my close friend.. and he was flirting with her and etc behind my back. suddenly one day, he just STOPPED talking. ever since that day.. i called.. i texted..never gotten a reply. and that was the last time i heard from him. from that day on, i promised myself i will never ever believe those kind of shit and i will never be treated like that ever again. and even though you and i are "almost" together imma still keep that promise. so far i dont have a feeling that you're that type of guy but still, not only to you but for everyone else, i am no longer going to be treated like crap. im not going to let that happen. im hoping that youre just in bed knocked out cause your sick and not ignoring me at the moment or annoyed if worse. imma apologize if i am bothering you. im not like that, dont wanna be like those kind of girls who is like that. im a chill person, someone who is down for anything. im not the clingy type but sometimes i just cant help but not think about you or not care for you or not worry about you. its sorta like a bad habit but at the same time at least it shows that i have a heart and i actually have you in a special place in my heart. im crossing my fingers that you'll get better and ill see you walk down those halls with a smile on your face. im hoping for it. when i see you, i promised myself i will give you the biggest hug, because thats how much i worried over you and how much i missed you. yeah, i admit it. i miss you. i didnt realize that i missed you until last night but still i miss you. it has been what like 2 frikken LONG ASS days. so long that imma go crazy. i need to go out and have some fun. hoping you will come along too? (: but anyways, im excited for saturday and im totally hoping youll feel MUCHMUCH better. ill pray yeah? (: IMY, HYFB, SYL =)

Until next time,

Love, this chick right here <3

to my mushroom man,

Dear hun,

I like that im writing this in secret and probably you will never read this in a million years. I just thought that if i wrote the stuff down here it will help me to get a better look at how i feel about you. We met this year, there was a pause between us for a couple months because you already had someone and there was just someone who was holding us back. until exactly two weeks ago you and i were total strangers. thankfully you and i started talking because of a certain reason & im glad we did. i swear i never everrrr spent that much time straight with one guy, in which this is showing youre a pretty special. That first night, i guess i can say that it was the 'ice-breaker', i thought you were some guy who was shy and didnt have the guts to talk or you were someone who just didnt like me, but after that night it changed my whole entire perspective of you. Youre literally someone who is different and who surprises me daily for this past two weeks. These two weeks went by slow but yet fast at the same time. Whenever im with you time flies by so fast i sometimes wish that the day will go longer.. but the way we're together feels like ive been buddies with you for years. i gotta admit, you and i got close pretty fast (; haha, even after those first ghetto dates at panda and whatnot im caring about you more and more. i am gonna totally say that im into you, and you know that. At this moment you're home right now sick, probably with the stomach flu.. hope it isnt sometime more serious. Last night was my first time webcamming with you and it was pretty fun x) whenever we talk.. i like it. no, i love it. i like being with you and you know that. i enjoy hanging with you but sometimes im worried that you get sick of me. you're slowly learning to talk very 'slick' wise on aim and def, in person but on the phone.. EHHH... haha. the moments i love the most is when you take the charge. you do what you want to do, i like that. i like it when you grab and tell me to get to class.. i like it when you push me away telling me not to do something stupid. i like the conversations we have, i enjoy it very much. i really dont know why but im so stupidly worried about you right now. you may be too popular for me (; and also of course im super sad and worried about your health. hope you feel better yeah? so far this is what is in my mind and something definetely i want to tell you but for now.. its a nice little secret =)

Ill update again hun <3

Love, this chick right heree.

DUHR

its weird that i only log onto blogger on certain times. hmm, shall i say that life is a little bit too over whelming for me ? this week was a little better than last week, but my goal of to not cuss has a little bit worsened. my attitude for other people and how i view them has changed. this week people have either gained or lost my respect. the feelings i had for this one guy has now disappeared and went to the point where i dont give a crap if he notices me or not, but my attention has now moved towards this one guy who already has a girlfriend but i need to refrain myself and start to learn to not care and not get so caught up with all this.. this week every night i read a chapter from the book of matthew, it sort of helped but at the same time the next day i would totally forget about it. My main focus for this week was my future. im scared for my future. literally every single day i would think about my future perfect guy. i just get a feeling that that perfect guy is not really real. and that scares me. i want to believe that God does have some huge plan for me and is really preparing the time for my perfect guy and i to meet but i dont know how to truly really believe that. also the things that has been alot in my mind is money. i want to buy this and that but i cant, i no longer have the money to do that. just now me and my dad had a fight because i was too lazy and didnt want to go out f the house to get the laudry because i look like crap and my dad ended up getting angry and assuming i just dont care about the family and all that. but thats definetly not true, but i cant blame him for thinking like that since i sometime do treat the family as if i really dont care. :/ sucks. So tomorrow night is homecoming night and for this year i am not going. i really want to go out with friends instead on tomorrow night but it seems like everyone is practically occupied tomorrow night, so i guess i have to just sit at home and watch some borrowed movies all by myself. one interesting fact i learned today, this little freshman in my chemistry class in which i first had an interest in but just didnt care later on , found out that he and his girl broke up. so me and reena are thinking and deciding upon becoming a pedophile or not :D haha. today was a pretty okay day i guess, until my dad just bought up the fight in which halfway im annoyed and angry about but at the same time i feel bad. what shall i do ?

나는 이제 이것들 하기 싫어. 내 마음을 너무 부드러워서 쉽게 누구 한태 또 빠쪘다 .
나 바보지? 친구들이 항상 나한테 경고를 말했었는데 왜 게속 내가 고집 하냐? 아이구..
너무 복잡하다.. 힘들고; 마음도 아프고. 왜 착한 남자들이 없어 조이스.. 그런데 왜 내가
남자 친구를 갇고 싶지? 내가 외려워서?.. 사랑을 받고 싶어서?,, 아이씨..몰아 !

careless.

Sitting here at home in my room on my laptop while listening to music and just in deep thought makes things so clear.. dont get me wrong.. im not saying that i have all the answers to my problems or hardships right now.. but it seems SO CLEAR. Just thinking about another year beginning.. as im now going to be a sophomore i want to make some changes. i want to set some "rules" within myself as you can say. Thinking about what others think about me- i want that gone. i want to give up on trying to find people to love me- i want this to just come and find me now.. its burdensome to go out and try to find love, ive learned and realized that love should come and find you. im tired of constantly being in complicated situations over and over again. i want to learn to especially be myself. if someone doesnt like me; screw them. its not like im going to die without them. once school starts imma walk down the halls with my head up. no one should look down at me. just because i curse or do some things in a certain doesnt or ever shouldnt define my beliefs. i believe in God.. even though its tiring and hard to understand. even its hard for me to just frikken pray. isnt that funny ? when im praying.. as i was praying .. just looking up at the ceiling while i was laying down.. i felt and told God that i feel like im talking to myself like an idiot. i dont know where i exactly stand right now. my parents used a large amount of money sending me halfway the united states to just learn about certain things about God and christianity. i guess it really is hard to not judge someone.. to really not look down at someone.. i understand how people would look at me. i used to be on the praise team as a vocalist.. thinking about it makes me feel disgusted. i feel fake.. i dont want to walk down the halls at church. i dont want to feel the guilt over and over and over again as i sit in that worship room. God.. please show me that youre worth it.. that you're real.. that you really are right next to me walking with me through all this. im afraid that this curiousity.. this confusement i have right now will keep on following me for the rest of my life. if you're real.. if the last day; judgement day does exist.. im hella scared that when i stand before you, you'll show me the real me. i sometimes dont even know who i am or what the hell im doing here. even when im by myself in my room with no one else around i even end up fooling myself at the end of the day. i dont want to. i even want to be real with myself and stop fooling myself and everyone around me. im scared out of my mind that satan will get me.. that he has already gotten me. i need you to comfort me.. i want to learn to lean on you, trust you.. and really believe that you're the only one that can fill that loneliness and emptiness i have in my heart.i want to live my life onwards happily, peacefully. will you help me? can you just send me some angel to really fill my needs? just watching my dad doing just simple stuff like buying me and becky some mcdonalds.. i feel sorry for him., i wish i could be a better daughter.. but i dont know how. i dont want these thoughts to just go away by a day or a week. i want to help and i want to stop being selfish. Church is sometimes so hard to handle.. and also friennds and family. i honestly DONT GIVE A FUCK about if i have alot of friends or not. i just dont want to be around people any longer who is gonna lie to me up on my face because im tired of that. i hate liars and i hate lying. im not a liar.. i want to be a good friend to someone.. i hope all these wishes and thoughts i have will come true one day.. imma try to keep on hoping and keep my fingers crossed for this to happen.

"ambivalence"

The first thing i want to write is that i feel so "off-balanced"..i was walking home today from carl's jr.. sometimes when im with these "friends" im not even sure if they're friends or not. when i was walking there i was thinking in my head "why the hell am i here with them, they probably don't like me, well they sure dont treat me like they like me.." this is full of crap. im in crap right now. i have feelings for this one guy who lives in texas not even knowing if he's two-timing me, he texts my friend first and doesnt contact me at all.. what the hell is going through his mind huh? and now theres a guy whom im really close with and also care alot about. we're only "friends with benefits" but i sometimes think about if maybe we can be a little more than that.. i hook up with him then he doesnt talk to me ever since.. is he disappointed? why isnt he calling back or texting back? what's going on? same thing for the texas guy, why isnt he texting me or calling me back? after i heard about that theres a possibility that he has a secret girlfriend i dont know if i should be trusting him or not. thinking about it.. why do i even want a guy?whats the point? the question runs through my head over and over again .. why do i want a guy to be beside me..whywhywhy. whats the frikken damn point. i frikken hate confusing myself over and over again. honestly, yes im lonely. i have low self esteem thats why when i think that i dont have a guy beside me is because im not pretty enough or good enough for anyone. im falling away from God so much, i live my every day life like i dont even believe in God which makes me question if God is real and if he really is in my heart. im confused like fuck. i fuckin hate this ! im head is spinning. im tired of trying to get approval from others. i want to be myself without having the thought of what others think about me. embarrassment is something i cannot deal with, and also the thought or knowledge of others talking shit about me behind my back.. i want to BE MYSELF. not the person hiding myself pretending im okay and all when im not. im aboout to go crazy i swear. i want to scream on top of my lungs right now. i want to just go out and run around the block until i faint. that feeling of freedom.. the wind blowing onto my face.. thats what i want right now. i want the cold feeling right now. this moment i want to just do that. i want to cry i fckin damn heart out. im so confused.. lonely..tired and i want to feel loved. i lack that in so much ways. i want to cry; i have to be strong. i cant break down right now..i dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone worried.. i want to be left alone. no one bothering me.. but yet i want to be comforted, but yet i dont want to make it like i want attention. im tired of always hearing that. cant i just be sad? isnt that normal? no one should be saying that i want attention thats why im crying or sad.. i just WANT TO FUCKING CRY MY HEART OUT ! IS THAT SOMETHING WRONG ?! fuck my life.. im tired of this.. im tired of EVERYTHING.

SO UHM YEAH.

Lately i think i have been so blessed ;d in school wise my grades are like the best it has ever been (does that even make any sense o_o) haha whatever. Family wise, me and my mom barely even fight anymore so thats a two thumbs up! and my brother has been home alot now so thats a two thumbs up too :D also i submitted an application for ihop in kansas for the summer and i found out today that i got accepted ;) nowadays im really excited for my future, i figured out my goal and what i want to be when i grow up, which college im aiming for, or even what kind of life style i want to live ;P its all fast but isnt it still good to plans things ahead f time? ;P well imma go and sleep so ill write more later i guess ;O
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

so.. i wasnt supposed to check facebook,myspace,or go on aim for the next two weeks ;P why you ask? it was because i promised someone i would give it up and for the next two weeks imma read the bible and sort of 'meditate' on God's words. but its so amazing weird.. this whole week i hadnt had a single fight with my mom or my dad.. and this is the week i read the bible and prayed more.. hmm.. haha (: well im not online to chat and all this is a online journal thing so its okay i guess right? >.< well im doing alright at school and im hoping that this summer i can have the chance to go study somewhere abroad :D haha. plus im having new goals to reach and im trying here so help ! blechhh..-0-
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

i usually dont really like giving up.. i know im a persever-er.. but why am i doing this? giving up this? i have no idea.. i have a gut feeling that this is not a place where i no longer want to be a part in.. from the stress i get from home to school..or in my daily life.. it effects me so much in either my physical, mental, or spirtual life. i dont really know what to say in some certain things.. today was the day when i have given up something i valued most.. well probably not most but something that was an important part of me. the fights i have had these past couple weeks, months, years; helped me realize so many things in life that im making a mistake upon. which of course, i must directly fix. that is why i have given up something so i can go and fix it. when im ready and back on track or where i want to be in, that is the time maybe when i will take action and do something with my abilities. i want to change. i want to be a different person, a better person, someone that is not me.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-

the moment.

at times i catch myself right before im about to break something, thats how angry i am. when im angry i catch myself breathing really heavily, and my stomach is turning, feels as if someone is twisting it all around. lately i have been having some really big fights with my mom, which like always my dad sides with. everyone fckin says that all parents are like that, but why do i feel as if mine is so different from all the others ? because of these fights im having, not only am i falling away more and more from my faith but also i feel more of a burden on my shoulders as i am walking into church every week. i can feel the burden on me, im putting on a mask onto my face everytime i walk in. if i open up to someone, it will make me feel better but hurt the ones i have talked about. its hard to tell the difference of gossiping and talking. right at this moment my heart is beating 326423864283 times more faster, my stomach is turning from side to side, not being able to breath even right. thats how angry and sad i am. i dont want to cuss, but have the feeling of need to. i feel like im alone at this moment.. no matter how much i can talk thiss out, it still wouldnt get any better. i try so much to change this bad attitude of mine, but my parents still dont see that. they dont see me as a good person.. they dont see me as a perfect daughter of theirs.. they see me as a tool, they can throw away whenever they want, use me when they need me. well.. i guess im like that to them too right ? at times when im so mad, so sick of their voices i just want to scream at the top of my lungs telling them to shut the fck up. im sick of always being pressured by them, just because im not a perfect christian nor a perfect daughter, does not mean that other children are better than i am. every child has some beef with their parents, did they know little of that ? are they still blind to see what have become of both their teen children. they have pressured us so much that we dont even know the truth anylonger. we dont know what is the meaning of love. we see it, but we dont feel it most of the time. 'family' is no longer in our vocabulary. it is long gone now. so far away you can even see it in the midst of air. writing this is some what helping me i guess. i want to sream, to do SOMETHING to get my mind off of this piece of crap. dont get me wrong, i love my parents.. they just pressured me so much ever since i was little i couldnt even say anything, it just corrupted me. i dont even know the truth anymoree.. nor the world.
-JoyceEbenezerChang-